Well, it’s been another month and a half or so without a new post. The reason behind my lengthy absence is that I’ve been spending most of my time down at the bottom of an old, dry well at the back of a vacant lot down the alleyway behind my apartment. I’ve found that it’s the only place where I can get any kind of thinking done. . . .

Okay, not really. In truth, my month of March was a nonstop pleasure cruise of marital bliss; for you see, Judy came to visit! While I toiled away my days at work, Judy took walks around the neighborhood and enjoyed the fine early spring weather; she unpacked most of the remaining boxes that I had lazily left undisturbed since their arrival from Tokyo; she organized and decorated our apartment; and she even crocheted an entire blanket! Evenings and weekends were spent out exploring California, shopping for furniture and making plans for her greatly anticipated move down here. The time we were together was nothing short of magical, with every moment filled with laughter and smiles (*pukebarfretchcheesiness*). For one month, life was beautiful; but then, as abruptly as she had arrived, Judy was gone. The sun retreated back behind the dark clouds, the garden became overrun with weeds and an endless torrent of melancholy metaphors spewed forth from betwixt my buttocks.

I miss my wife.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like I’ll be seeing her again for quite some time. Mere days after Judy left, I received a notice from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services informing me that our petition for a K-3 visa had been denied “due to abandonment.” Apparently, a request for further evidence had supposedly been sent to me in November, but I never received it. Curiously, the USCIS website never indicated that a request for evidence had been sent out (I had been checking on the status of the case on a nearly daily basis since October), so I had no way of knowing that a request had been sent and thus I didn’t respond to the request that I didn’t receive and didn’t know had been sent until I received a notice stating that my failure to respond had resulted in the petition being denied. Phone calls to the USCIS proved fruitless and a desperate appeal for assistance to my local congressman’s office appears likely to reach an equally unsuccessful conclusion. Fortunately, our I-130 petition is still pending and has been progressing slowly-but-steadily, so I have some remaining hope of someday being able to get settled with my wife and move forward with our lives together in this country.

Although this situation has been maddeningly frustrating, at the same time, I can’t seem to help but feel that my own relatively petty troubles are hardly comparable to the no-doubt far worse pain and misery being experienced by others elsewhere at this very moment. While I’m getting my panties in a bunch over the evidently limitless incompetence of the US government bureaucracy, people in Iraq are being blown up, people in the US are being gunned down and countless others all over the globe are suffering from whatever other unimaginable acts of violence, cruelty and injustice we humans seem to take great pleasure in inflicting upon one another.

So it goes.

Gee, three posts in. . . three months. Not too shabby, eh?

I’ve been telling myself on a daily basis to set aside some time and just post something on this stupid site, but I’ve still been having trouble finding a spare moment to write anything. Of course, it doesn’t help that for the past three months I’ve been sharing an internet connection (literally plugging & unplugging cables) with my parents, and they’re busy folks themselves. Nonetheless, today, in a desperate effort to keep this site from slipping into the deep oblivion of the interweb, please allow me to post yet another pointless self-centered update on the Entirely Uninteresting Life of Me.

To start, Judy came down here for a 10-day visit at the end of last month, as planned. I’ll spare whatever poor souls might actually be bored enough to be reading this and refrain from being all gushy about the details, but I will say that it was (obviously) great seeing her again after having spent three months apart. The time she was down here absolutely flew by, but we did manage to have a little fun, get some Christmas shopping one, celebrate Thanksgiving and my birthday (effectively killing two birds at once by baking a turkey-themed birthday cake!), and. . . we even found an apartment! It’s a nice little place in a convenient location, not too ridiculously expensive, and living there will make my commute to work a breeze! I actually already “moved in” this past weekend, although I use that term loosely, as the fact of the matter is that at this point in time, the only furniture in the place consists of:

• a kotatsu shipped from Japan
• a 13″ television I purchased in 1995
• a single floor lamp I purchased last week at Ikea (yes, I’m still a cheap bastard)
• an inflatable mattress on loan from my parents

And that’s it. So, as you can imagine, the place is a bit sparse at the moment. Hopefully, Judy will have her visa interview and be down here again soon enough, and together we can furnish it (since my doing so alone would surely violate some sort of husband/wife dynamic, not to mention give people yet another reason to question my masculinity).

So I guess that’s that. I’m hoping to get internet service set up at the new apartment early next month, and hopefully then I might even be able to return to — gasp! — regular blogging! Could such a thing ever happen??

Yeah, I kind of doubt it, too.

Perhaps it can be seen as an indication that it has been a bit too long without an update that recently both my wife and my mother have told me, in as many words (although not in these specific ones), to “hurry up and post something new already, dickweed!”

The big news—and the primary reason for my second lengthy unplanned hiatus from the internet—is that in addition to the Democrats winning both the House and the Senate last week, the recent freezing-over of Hell has had another positive effect: I got a job! I am now working as a Marketing Communicator/Technical Writer at a company here in the Bay Area. The offer came on the 30th of last month, just in time to allow me to meet my self-imposed deadline to find work by the end of October. Yep, so I am now a working man. Unfortunately, the resultant obligation of having to actually leave the house and spend all day doing real work, combined with the freelance translation & copyediting that I’ve been doing on the side plus my search for a place to live outside of my parents’ house, has left me burning the candle at both ends, with precious little time to spend on leisure activities such as eating, sleeping, etc.

The good news doesn’t end there, though. This past week, I received a notice from the US Department of Homeland Security informing me that Judy has been approved for a visa! She still has to go through the interview process, but this means that I get to see my wife again! In fact, she will be making a visit down here at the end of this week so we can look for apartments together and celebrate Thanksgiving.

It looks like things are finally starting to come together!

Well, hello there! Thanks for stopping by! Surprised to see something new up here after no updates for seven weeks? I know I am!

My apologies for the very long silence. Contrary to speculation, I am in fact still alive (thankfully, the reverse culture shock I’ve experienced thus far has been of the non-fatal variety) and I certainly did have the intention to resume blogging again once I had had a chance to settle in a bit in my new country of residence.

To be honest, though, I haven’t exactly been up to all that much over the past month and a half. However, for the sake of trying to put some new content up on this website, here’s a brief rundown of what’s been going on since I last posted:

I left Japan!
Well, duh. Although we had always planned to return to North America, it was definitely hard for Judy and I to say goodbye to our home for the past five years. Sure, I took the piss and ranted and raved on this website, but I really did enjoying living there and will always cherish the memories I made and the experiences I had. I definitely miss the place and look forward to the next opportunity to go back. Now, ceasing with the retch-inspiring sentimentalism. . .

I went to New York!
Arranged at the very-last minute after a tentatively-planned business trip was canceled, I ended up making a short visit to the Big Apple to attend my aunt & uncle’s 20th wedding anniversary party. I hadn’t been out there since May 2001, so it was great catching up with relatives and seeing a bit of the city as well. I also had the additional pleasure of serving as tour guide and interpreter (half-assedly so in both regards) for a family friend and his niece who also traveled in from Japan for the festivities. Sadly, Judy was not able to come along. Speaking of my beautiful bride of nine months. . .

My wife and I are separated!
Geographically speaking, that is. Following our departure from Japan, Judy returned to Vancouver to spend some time with her family and to get some much-needed time away from me (I kid, I kid. . . I think). Naturally, I miss her terribly, but she has informed me that for various reasons, she will remain up there until I find gainful employment (or until another man steals her heart, whichever happens first). Speaking of my inability to find work. . .

I’m still unemployed!
Gosh, no one wants to hire a shiftless layabout with the social skills of a drunken baboon and the bodily reek of the same — who’da thunk it?? Despite my lack of immediate success, though, my search for employment continues on and I am optimistic that I will find a job some day soon (hopefully before my wife leaves me and my parents kick me out of the house). In the meantime, I have decided to embrace my lack of occupation and have cultivated a healthy growth of stubble in order to complete the ‘unemployed’ look, as nothing says ‘malingerer’ quite like a face several days unshaven. I have, however, been bathing somewhat regularly in a feeble attempt to preserve a modicum of self-respect, although the ever-present stench seems to indicate that my efforts thus far have been somewhat less than sufficient. I do fortunately still have some income coming in, but unfortunately it’s not enough to enable me to get my own place or to entice my wife to come back to me. Now, one might think that being unburdened by the obligations and constraints of regular employment would give me plenty of time to maintain a blog, however. . .

My computer broke!
Well, the hard drive failed, to be specific. And it happened on a Friday night while I was taking a break from job-hunting to watch the movie Ju-on: The Grudge of all things, causing the computer to freeze during one especially creepy-ass scene [the faint-of-heart might not want to click that]. After replacing my soiled underpants, I set about trying to diagnose the problem and whether I would need a specialist (or perhaps even an exorcist) to rectify the situation. Sure enough, I sadly ended up eventually having to rely on the services of a professional, something that hurt my pride as well as my wallet. Fortunately, I’ve got my computer back with a working hard drive and am ready to start blogging again (assuming that I can come up with something to write about).

So that pretty much brings us up to today. Barring any further computer problems or the arrival of an actual job offer (I can only wish), I’ll try to keep up with posting whatever I can manage to pull out of my behind, although I’m still not certain what that might turn out to be (An Analysis of Color Variation in Excremental Material, anyone?). Until the next post, I leave you with some crappy photos™ from my recent travels to New York and San Francisco. Toodeloo!

Lamest thread title ever, I know.

I’m sitting here in an internet cafe in Shinagawa, sipping overpriced ice tea and wondering where the time went.

Five years.

Unfortunately, after having slept only a few short hours last night thanks to one particularly obtuse friend who took the pleasure of using my computer for several hours to apply for jobs online while Judy and I scuttled around him, organizing the last of our belongings and thoroughly cleaning the apartment, I’m not exactly in a frame of mind to wax sentimental. I probably will at somepoint, though, so consider yourselves warned.

I seriously can’t believe we’re leaving Japan tomorrow. A new life awaits us. . . here’s hoping it’s a good one!

Sorry once again for allowing real life to get in the way of blogging (for shame!). Actually, I’ve been away (I still am) and haven’t had much time to sit down and vomit on to the keyboard to create something to post. Everything’s been going well, though — last Monday was my last day at work, we’ve nearly packed up/gotten rid of most of our belongings and we’re now trying to enjoy the rest of our time here in Japan. Oh, and it’s freakin’ hot. Thank goodness I no longer have to wear a suit and tie every day!

Well, I’ve got to run. Here’s a typical “Ooh-Japan-is-so-like-spiritual-and-enchanting” photo since it’s the only one I had available at the moment. Will try to post again soon!

My first day on the job here in Japan, I was presented with an employee ID card. On it, my name was written as “ジェルリー” (Jerurii instead of Jefurii).

This afternoon, one of my coworkers sent out an email announcing my official farewell party next Monday night. In it, my name was written as “Jeffry.”

It’s nice to know that after five years of working here, my colleagues still don’t know how to spell my name.

My apologies again for the lack of posts. I’ve been pretty busy recently. With only one week left at work and only one month left before we leave Japan, things have been pretty hectic. We’ve even begun the monumental task of going through all of our stuff and deciding what is to be sold/given away/thrown away (most of it) and what is to be shipped back across the ocean to the States (as little of it as possible).

Will try to post again soon, but in the meantime, I offer you yet another crappy photo:

Well, Judy and I have finalized our departure date: August 22nd. It’s so hard to believe that we’ll be leaving Japan in less than six weeks. Today was Judy’s last day of work and I’ll be leaving for the first of my farewell parties in about 20 minutes. It’s so strange to think that it just a few months we’ll be living completely different lives: new jobs (hopefully), new apartment, new friends, new car (ugh), new everything. As you can probably imagine, our feelings about leaving are pretty mixed; on the one hand, we’re excited about moving on to the next chapter of our lives (to use that clichéd line for the billionth time), but on the other, it’s going to be hard to leave Japan, our home for the past five years. We’ve made an agreement, though: if, for whatever reason, things fail to turn out well after giving it an earnest go in North America, we can always come back to Japan.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to enjoy free food & booze!

After our somewhat less-than-enjoyable red-eye flight from Tokyo to Honolulu, Judy and I managed to move our connecting flight to Kauai up a few a few hours (with the guy at the check-in counter stating no less than three times, “I’m supposed to charge you to change it, but I’ll wave it for you.”) and finally arrived at the Kauai Marriott Resort in the city of Lihue at around 10:00a.m.

We had requested early check-in since we knew that we would be arriving in the morning, however we were disappointed to learn that there were no rooms available when we got there. Having some time to kill, we headed down to the poolside restaurant for breakfast, but we hardly had an appetite in our state of exhaustion. We also looked quite ridiculous sitting at a poolside cafe in Hawaii wearing long pants and sweaters, with winter coats resting over our seatbacks. Eventually the desire to sleep became too strong, so we ended up spending the next few hours dozing off at various locations around the hotel, including on the beach, in the garden and on a couch behind the big Christmas tree in the lobby (where at one point we awoke to the sound of a little boy asking, “Mommy, why are those people sleeping over there?”). Finally, a room became available and we were at long last able to take a shower, take a nap and begin our vacation.

Looking back, our four days in Kauai are a bit of a blur. The majority of our time was spent finalizing everything for the wedding: meeting with the wedding coordinator, getting our marriage license, preparing decorations and gifts, ironing all of the last-minute details, etc., etc., etc. However, despite all of the running around, we did manage to enjoy ourselves quite a bit. We were able to spend time with the various family and friends who made the trip out to join us, we took a dip in the ocean, played volleyball (albeit horribly), relaxed on the beach. . . and, oh yeah, and we also got married!

More to come soon! For now, here are a few photos!

Hmmm. . . been a while, eh?

Two weekends ago Judy and I were in Kansai to attend the wedding of the daughter of a family friend. It was our first time to attend a wedding in Japan and Judy’s first time to attend a wedding ever (not counting our own), so it was all new to us and a pretty great time.

The couple met through omiai, which is still surprisingly somewhat common these days in Japan, and only first met four months ago, if you can believe it. Nevertheless, they seem to make a great couple.

After arriving on Saturday in the small city of Kashihara, Nara where the wedding was to be held the following day, Judy and I had a few hours to kill so we took a walk to explore the area. Whilst enjoying our leisurely perambulation, we happened upon something truly glorious, the likes of which we had never seen before:

Yes, that’s right. We finally got our hands on a Nintendo DS Lite, which are still incredibly hard to come by in Tokyo. It seems that the solution for Tokyoites wishing to obtain one is to go out to Bumfuck, Nowhere, where they’re apparently aplenty. Anyhow, it has turned out to be tons of fun to play and so, combined with watching World Cup matches, it’s been hard for me to focus my attention on this site, let alone on anything else even remotely productive.

But enough rambling, back to Mario. . . .

My friend Josh and his girlfriend Wei Wei came out to Tokyo from Taipei this past weekend, and Judy and I did our best to give them The Tokyo Experience. We only had a few days, but we tried to see/do as much as possible during that time, and as a result, despite it now being several days later, I still have yet to fully recover.

I’ll try to put up some photos from the weekend within the next few days, but in the meantime here’s one of a scene we came across while passing through Ginza on Sunday:

The model dressed in geisha garb was on the street for less than two minutes, during which time nearly every single person in the vicinity in possession of a camera came rushing over to snap her photo [that’s Josh & Wei Wei on the right]. As is usually the case in such instances, almost immediately one of the photographers in the front began shouting that it was a private photo shoot and telling everyone else to stop taking pictures. Within moments, the model and main photographers quickly departed and everyone else continued on back in their respective directions, bringing with them a slight smile.

Sadly, I only managed to get one clear pic amidst the bedlam and the composition and lighting suck.

One thing I love about living in Tokyo is that you never know what you might come across during the course of any given day.

Last Friday was Judy’s older brother’s birthday, and to celebrate, his girlfriend planned a surprise dinner for him and invited the two of us join in. The festivities took place at a restaurant called Tooth Tooth in Ebisu, a pretty nice place with an eclectic aesthetic, smooth ambiance and a French-inspired menu. However, the coolest thing, without a doubt, that the restaurant had to offer was what we discovered upon entering the party room in the back:

THERE IS NO NEED TO ADJUST YOUR MONITOR.
YOUR EYES ARE NOT DECEIVING YOU.

Yes, that’s right: The centerpiece of the party room at Tooth Tooth is a freakin’ life-size replica of an Imperial Stormtrooper (!).

Now, as one can imagine, as all of us in attendance that evening were in our mid-twenties to early thirties, the effect of being in the same room with such an awe-inspiring object was of pants-peeing proportions, especially amongst the males in the group (the women were predictably less impressed). Thus, it was only natural and, in fact, inevitable that following the consumption of numerous alcoholic beverages during the two-hour all-you-can-drink period, we would gravitate towards the figure, much like the Millennium Falcon caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star. Poses were made, photos were taken and a good time was had by all.

For about ten minutes. Then we got scolded by a waiter who told us that we’re not allowed to touch it. It was fun while it lasted, though.

You know what kind of translations I hate the most?

“No,” you say. “We couldn’t care less.” (Unless, of course, you’re American, in which case you say “We could care less,” which, I’m sorry, doesn’t make any sense.)

Well, regardless of whether you could or couldn’t care less, I’m going to tell you anyway. Ready?

Spreadsheets.

This morning this ridiculous mess arrived in my inbox with a request to translate it by 5:00pm:

Yes, a single A3-size sheet of paper, stuffed full with all sorts of charts, graphs, boxes and lists, all requiring translation into English. Never mind that an English sentence requires something like a minimum of three times as much space as its Japanese counterpart; splitting the document up isn’t an option. And thus, in an effort to preserve the formatting, text is shrunk, columns are widened and even more hair is lost from my rapidly balding head.

The worst part is that deep down, I know that no one is actually going to read it. Sure, it might be skimmed, glanced at, looked over, but certainly no careful perusal is going to be taking place. Thus is the triviality of the translation of spreadsheets. A letter has its recipient, a presentation has its audience, but a spreadsheet exists for no one.

Things have been pretty hectic at work ever since I gave notice last month. My company was having some difficulty finding my replacement, and almost immediately began asking me if there was any way I could extend my stay. I declined several times at first, but after talking things over with Judy and agreeing that we were a) in no real hurry to leave, b) hadn’t found new jobs yet and c) that another few months’ pay wouldn’t hurt, we made the decision to change our plans to stay in Tokyo through July.

So that’s the news. Although I’ve been spending a lot more time in the “real world” than on the internet lately, hopefully I’ll be able to get myself back into posting regularly now that I’ve got a bit more time to spare.

I don’t really have anything else to say at this time, so how about a boring photo?

Last Friday night, Judy went out with her friend Sachiko to watch the latest Kwon Sang Woo flick, while I, after being the last person to leave the office, went home and plopped myself down in front of the TV to watch the least dreadful of whatever rubbish could be found on Japanese network television (yes, the exciting life I lead astounds me too at times).

Anyhow, around 10:00pm, Judy called and said that she and Sachiko were heading to an okonomiyaki restaurant in Ebisu and asked if I wanted to meet up with them. So I finished up my beer, dusted the chip crumbs off my shirt, put on some pants and headed out. Thirty minutes later, I arrived at the restaurant and greeted Judy and Sachiko (whom I hadn’t seen since the wedding) and met Sachiko’s boyfriend Makoto for the first time.

We consumed loads of monjayaki, okonomiyaki and probably a bit too much alcohol, and in short, had a gay old time. At one point, Makoto revealed to us that, in addition to being able to draw a mean sketch of a car on a napkin while drunk, he also has a far more amusing talent. Announcing that he was going to do an impression of the “Japanese royal family,” as he put it, he turned his back on us, removed his glasses, messed with his hair a bit, and then turned back around to show us this:

Judy and I promptly pissed ourselves laughing, eventually leading Makoto to tell us that we were laughing too much and to stop it.

So what do you think?

So here I was, innocently believing that nothing stranger had happened in Hawaii than my being recognized in the Honolulu Airport. . .

Then I saw this comment left by someone calling himself “hawaii guy” with a link to this photo.

*Cue me soiling myself in shock*

Seeing that photo literally left Judy and I speechless. . . I mean, what kind of world are we living in where some pencil-necked schmuck with absolutely zero claim to fame is somehow recognized by a complete stranger thousands of miles away from home, for the mere reason that he spends too much time sitting behind a computer? It’s madness.

The photo itself reminded me of that feature in Us Magazine that shows photographs of various celebrities going about their daily business along with silly captions pointing out how, despite all of their fame and riches, deep down, movie stars really are “just like us” (e.g., “They take out the trash!”, “They get speeding tickets!”, “They throw extravagant drug-fueled orgies at million-dollar mansions with women more beautiful than you could even imagine!”, and so on). Yet somehow, I just can’t see that voyeuristic fascination extending to the world of blogging.

Click to see larger size

Obviously, there will never come a time when bloggers will hold any near a prominent position in the eyes of the world. Despite however much some of the people out there pounding on their keyboards may wish it so, the reality is that the general public wants absolutely nothing to do with us (heck, even I don’t want anything to do with us most of the time). That said, it is rather amusing when the little internet world spills over into real life.

Seeing as it’s already been over a month and a half since Judy and I returned from Hawaii (and in light of the outright demands kind requests I’ve received of late), I figure that it’s about time I actually mentioned something about the trip here on this site. The truth is that I’m still exceptionally busy these days with work, looking for a job, filling out immigration paperwork and so on, so I haven’t had the time to post anything other than mindless fluff in a desperate bid to keep people coming back to this site in order to provide some sort of pathetic validation to my otherwise fragile ego.

Okay, frivolous run-on sentence out of the way, let’s carry on.

Our trip to Hawaii began with a six-hour overnight flight plagued not only by an exceptionally dire selection on in-flight entertainment, but also EXTREME TURBULENCE FOR NEARLY THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE FLIGHT. The meal service was stopped, flight attendants were running down the aisles, and the plane shuddered and swayed much like I do on the toilet after an evening overindulging in the dangerous combination of alcohol and sashimi (huh?).

After managing to survive our version of Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (minus the hairy creature on the wing, which surely would have been flung off during this flight), we finally made it to solid ground at the Honolulu airport. Whilst retrieving our baggage in a sleep deprivation-induced haze, I was startled by the sudden sound of a voice behind me that said, “I like your blog.” I turned to identify the source of this strange statement and came face to face with a pretty woman with short hair who appeared to be facing my direction. Now, despite my natural eloquence (ha) and charm (double ha), I only managed to confusedly stammer out a feeble, “Who me?” before the woman disappeared into the crowd.* Needless to say, I was quite surprised to discover that an actual human being reads this website, let alone one of the female variety. Who knew?

“Stewardess, it’s that guy from conbinibento.com!”

Anyhow, despite our (literally) shaky start, the remainder of the trip turned out to be a complete blast. We visited the islands of Kauai, Oahu and Maui (in that order), each of which provided its own unique sights and experiences. Furthermore, the gods were certainly smiling down upon us, as we fortunate to enjoy nothing but sunshine and warm weather for the entire duration of our time on the islands. It was almost enough for me to put aside my inherent aversion to clichés and be tempted to use the word “paradise” to describe them (although I have thus far refrained from doing so).

Well, I think I’m going to stick in a “To be continued” right here with a promise for an update along with some photos in the very near future (cue someone asking where the rest of the Korea photos are…). Stay tuned!

- - - - - - -

*The woman in question has since identified herself and is well on her way to recovering from the close-range exposure to the overwhelming stench of my body odor.

I gave notice at work last week. . . the beginning of the end, as it were. I had spoken with my boss about my plans last July so everyone more or less knew, but this has now made it official. Since my boss has been out of the country for the past six months or so, I had to give the news directly to the president of the company; fortunately, he was really nice about it and he actually tried to dissuade me from leaving (although I can’t imagine why). He also said that I can come back to work here if I end up being unable to find a new job, which, although very generous, also makes me wonder whether he doubts that I’ll actually be able to find work anywhere else.

So now I’ve got about six more weeks of employment before the paychecks stop coming. It’s quite scary if I think about it, but I’m (self-deludedly) optimistic that I’ll eventually be able to find something. I don’t know why, though… I can’t imagine that there are many companies out there actively seeking a barely-literate halfwit whose only “skills” (and I use that term loosely) are limited to semi-neat handwriting and the ability to say “You can’t prove I’m the father so pay for the abortion yourself!” in Japanese.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

- - - - - - -

Speaking of work, a big reorganization took effect on the 1st of last month and my department was eliminated. Previously, I had been working in the Global Operations Group, but I’ve since been transferred into the newly created Global Operations Division within the Global Marketing Headquarters [did somebody say “global“??].

The practice at my company is to give every department a three-letter abbreviation to be used in internal email/memos, mail groups and the like. So, where I had previously worked in the GOG, I now work in — you guessed it — the GOD. Yep, so following the usual fashion within my company, I now end all emails like this:

Best regards,

GOD Jeff

In an amusing addition, this sign was also recently put up in my office:

The title reads: “GOD Mission Statement”

On Saturday, Judy and I took a trip up to Omiya in Saitama to have dinner with some friends. We arrived early with a couple of hours to spare, so we decided, despite the freezing wind, to take a little stroll around and revisit some of our old haunts. Naturally, the place we headed first was our old apartment.

I’ve written previously about the many tribulations we experienced while living there, but it was still nice seeing the place again. The shitty “brick pattern” plastic siding concealing the original rotting-wood-and-damp-paper structure beneath, the mailbox where I received approximately five pieces of mail over the course of an entire year, the window through which a burglar came in and robbed me of all of my valuables, and so on. Oh, and my old bicycle, which has since become an extremely dusty trash bin.

Yes, that’s right: I abandoned my bicycle when we moved to Tokyo two years ago. I am a very bad person.

But please allow me to explain. There are basically three ways to get rid of an old bicycle in Japan: 1) arrange for it to be taken away and properly disposed of for a fee, 2) leave it outside of a train station or other busy area to either be stolen or taken away by the city, or 3) abandon it in a nondescript location to either be stolen or eventually become part of the landscape of urban decay. I hadn’t intended to do the latter; in fact, I had originally planned to take it with us when we moved, but there ended up not being enough room for it in the mover’s small truck, and so the two guys from my company who lived nearby and were helping us move (one of whom had actually given me the bicycle, third-hand), told me to just leave it behind. And so, with a lack of time and more favorable immediate options, I did.

And to this day, there it sits; a gradually deteriorating eyesore, its former road-weaving glory long forgotten as it gathers layer upon layer of dust while now acting as nothing more than a convenient receptacle for passers-by to deposit their garbage.

I wonder how long it’ll be before someone decides to have it hauled away. . . .

Well, Judy and I are back from Hawaii. The wedding and the honeymoon were more incredible than could ever have been imagined and the time absolutely flew by. It was so great being able to see our families and friends again; I only wish that we could have had more time to spend with everyone and catch up.

I’m planning to write a bit about the wedding and the trip as a whole, plus I have a ton of photos to post, but right now I think my mind is still processing all that took place. That, and I’ve been incredibly busy since we got back — not as busy as before we left, but pretty darn close.

My apologies for the three-week absence without so much as a “Hi, I’m in Hawaii and it’s warm and sunny so neener-neener-neener!!” I had originally planned to set up daily random photo posts as I have when I’ve been away in the past, but I didn’t even have the time to do that. I’ve got a few ideas for new posts in mind that I’ll put up as time permits, but for now, here’s a small sneak peak of some of the photos to come:

Gosh, how cheesy can you get, right?

With the wedding now just over a fortnight away, Judy and I have been scrambling to get everything ready in time. All of the main arrangements have been made, but there are still about a million loose ends to tie up before we hop on the plane in two weeks’ time.

With a “to do” list about 10 pages long, I haven’t had much time to even think about this site, much to my great regret. I’m hoping to put up a few more posts before we leave, but realistically, I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out. Anyway, I’ll do my best.

For today, I thought I’d put up another Smoking Manners sign that I discovered on the platform of Gotanda station a couple of weeks ago. It’s not as poetic or esoteric as the others, but this is one ad to which I wish more Japanese people would take notice.

Personally, I don’t understand the appeal of smoking whilst urinating and/or defecating, but it seems to be quite a common practice around these parts. Telltale cigarette burns can be found on the toilets/walls/floors of just about every public restroom, and many even have ashtrays or similar receptacles available for those wishing to have a puff while pinching one out.

The unpleasant result, of course, is that bathrooms commonly reek of stale cigarette smoke to the extent that one’s eyes burn and it becomes difficult to breathe. That said, however, I suppose one has to consider whether the cigarette smell might actually be somewhat more favorable to what would likely be there otherwise: the overwhelming stench of poo from all of the unsightly splatter surrounding the average squat toilet. But then again, perhaps if people focused more on doing their business instead of trying to get in a few more hits of nicotine, they might be able to get all of their “output” into the proper destination in the first place.

So there we were, Judy and I, last Friday night on our way home after having dinner with my second cousin and her husband from England who were in Tokyo for a single day on their way back from a trip to Australia. Transferring from the Hibiya line at Ebisu station, we walked up the escalator to the crowded Yamanote line platform, where who should we happen to see, but…

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Well, The Japanese Tradition: Sushi and Hard Gay videos are all back online. Generous thanks are due to one and only Daniel Drucker for kindly informing me of the existence of Coral Cache, which has allowed me to put the videos back online and (hopefully) not have to pay any more than the $16.61 in extra bandwidth fees that I’ve already been charged.

Oh, and just in case anyone thought I was joking about the inordinate number of visitors recently finding their way to this site via web searches for “gay,” here are the Search Query graphs from my web host’s stats from the past three days:

November 14

November 15

November 16

Interesting, to say the least.

I’ve actually come to find quite a bit of enjoyment in discovering what sorts of search keywords lead people to this site. While I don’t check the logs as often as when I first began polluting the internet with textual excrement, doing so always offers me a fascinating and highly amusing look into the depravity and licentiousness that define the human race, and honestly makes me feel pretty good about myself due to the fact at least I’m not as whacko as some of you are.

I’ve previously posted some common search words that frequently bring visitors to this site, but in light of the recent gay video searches, I thought I’d go through the list that I’ve been keeping for the past year or so of the most disturbing and revolting queries this site has received and post a few of the gems. Behold:

· nude meteorologists

– I don’t know why, but something about the combination of those two words totally cracks me up.

· where to find girls who like to give men blow jobs

– Along with the origin of the universe and the meaning of life, this must surely rank as one of most pondered questions in mankind’s external existential quest for truth.

· why do men find breast fondling interesting?

– Yet another question of the ages.

· i want someone to fondle my breasts in vancouver

– Don’t we all?

· effects of excessive breast fondling

– Hmm, I’m sensing a theme here.

· nude pictures of girls with camel toes

– Wait a minute, if they’re nude, how can they have camel toes?!

· old jap nipples

– I honestly don’t know if I can think of anything more disgusting than this.

· pictures of old fat women in bikinis

– Oh wait, yes I can.

· drawings of nintendo girls in panties

– Ooo, Princess Peach, sexxxy.

· morning musume using the bathroom hentai pictures

– I don’t know about you, but I certainly can’t think of anything hotter than cartoon drawings of young girls emptying the contents of their bowels. (NSFW!)

· forced salad tossing

– Toss my salad, bitch!

· what is reaming the anal area of women?

– A good time.

· photo sex women between 10-12 years

– This one came from Saudi Arabia, no less.

· photos of naughty celebrities wearing schoolgirl outfits

– Gee, cliché much?

· sexual fantasies about matronly middle aged women

– Paging Dr. Freud…

· scaring the shit out of your wife at 2:00 am

– Now this guy sounds like a fun person to live with!

· how to become a slave in japan

– Get a job at a Japanese company. (*rimshot*)

Man, there is nothing quite like entertainment at the expense of those who are even more fucked up in the head than you are.

This past Saturday, Judy and I headed out to Chiba to check out the 2005 Tokyo Motor Show. I suppose it was just as was to be expected: insane crowds, girls in skimpy outfits, creepy men with fancy cameras taking photos of nothing but the aforementioned girls in skimpy outfits, insane crowds, and did I mention the insane crowds?

Oh, and I think there may have been some cars there or something, too.

Truth be told, it was a bit disappointing. The first time I went in 2001, I had been in Japan for two months and it was a really exciting event for me (just as pretty much everything else was at the time, including mundane things like going to the supermarket and discovering a porn vending machine). Now that I’m no longer that wet-behind-the-ears young lad with eyes filled with wonder and have since withered into the miserable, embittered bastard who posts on this site, enduring the typical tourism-in-Japan routine of pushing my way through a throng of thousands of Japanese people in order to get a quick look at something that isn’t all that great in first place has kind of lost its excitement.

I suppose that the most amusing moments of the Motor Show were had witnessing particularly brazen examples of creepy men reeking of desperation unabashedly snapping dozens upon dozens of photos whilst the subject of their attention, some vinyl-clad race queen, stood in awkward pose with an incredibly forced smile concealing her seething contempt for the pathetic, ill-smelling lechers crowding just inches around her. I swear, degenerates can get away with so much in this country.

I’m not going to bother posting any photos from the Motor Show since everything I took was crap (crappier than usual, that is). For anyone interested, photos of the cars can be found here and photos of the girls can be found here. Enjoy!

Imaginary Friend: Happy Halloween, Jeff!
Me: Thank you, my imaginary friend. Happy Halloween to you, too.
I.F.: So, did you do anything fun to celebrate?
Me: Well, only if you consider having a tube shoved up your nose and worked down your esophagus, through your stomach and into your small intestine to be “fun.”
I.F.: Yikes, that sounds rather unpleasant.
Me: Indeed it was.
I.F.: Have you ever had tubes inserted into any other orifices?
Me: Why yes, I have.
I.F.: Really, where?
Me: Well, let me just say that it would take less time if I were list the orifices in which tubes haven’t been inserted.
I.F.: Oh. . . ew.
Me: No kidding.

Happy Halloween!

I have a goddamn confession to make.

Well, actually, I’ve already made it.

Son of a. . . .

I called in sick to work today, something that I am extremely loath to do since it’s a waste of a completely good day of nenkyu that could otherwise be used to do something fun.

I used to love autumn and the transition from summer, but over the past six years or so I’ve consistently fallen ill at this time of year and I’m now coming to dread it. It’s especially annoying this year with my wedding now only two months away. Unlike most brides-to-be (including my own) who worry endlessly about losing/maintaining their weight in order to fit into their wedding gown, I’m terrified that I won’t be able to gain any in time for the big day so I don’t look like the scrawny little boy I resemble now.

Oh well, here’s hoping the NyQuil I just received covertly in the mail last weekend will do the trick and I can get back to hopelessly stuffing my bony face with food.

After an incredibly exhausting week at work, it’s always great when you walk out of the office on Friday evening and know that that you have the entire weekend ahead of you to relax, hang out with friends, pursue hobbies and burn effigies of ex-girlfriends who left you because they couldn’t handle your overwhelming manliness (*cough*). Anyway, despite my high hopes for this past weekend — especially since it was the one three-day weekend that my company affords us scummy, miserable employees — I ended up being nearly as busy as I was at work in the five days preceding. Judy and I had an entire list of things to accomplish both in and outside of the house, and in the end we were left with very little time to kick back and be the lazy bastards that we are wont to be (okay, that I alone am wont to be).

Well, in betwixt the numerous chores and errands, Judy and I found the time to cash in on the many points that we have accumulated over the past four years with our respective mobile phone carriers (DoCoMo for me, Vodafone for her) and get new cell phones. Completely ridiculous, I agree, but with the points and other various discounts, I ended up paying next to nothing for my new phone, and Judy literally did pay nothing for hers. Pretty sweet deal, although completely and utterly frivolous.

For the sake of absolutley nothing in particular, I took a [very half-assed] photo (edited to remove wear) of the three phones that I have used during my time in Japan, below. The one on the right is the newest — ain’t it purty??

I’ve been working a lot of overtime recently. I was the last person to leave the office every day last week, and if today was any indication, I may be the last one every day this week as well. In the days leading up to a big business trip to North America by the top management, there’s always a ton of correspondence, presentations and all sorts of other documents that need to be translated into English, which means that I, presently the sole native English speaker at my company, have to translate and/or proofread all of it. At least they’re leaving at the end of this week, so hopefully I’ll be able to take it easy for a bit after that.

About a year ago, I wrote a post on this site about a manager at my company who came back to Japan after a year in the U.S. shamefully addicted to Coca Cola. Well, as it turns out, he was eventually able to miraculously overcome his addiction, but not before spreading it to several other people in the office. How the heck does one “spread” an addiction? Well, seeing as he’s a pretty high-ranking manager and therefore gets whatever he wants, he requested that our office start stocking cans of Coke for the employees to drink. Sure enough, two days later, the first in what would become a steady stream of deliveries arrived.

Since that fateful day, I have watched several of my coworkers succumb to this ravenous addition. They can be frequently seen furtively leaving their desks at intervals to head to the kitchen area for a fix of 160ml of fizzy, sugary goodness, often going through 4 or 5 cans a day each. I wish there was something I could do to help them, but to confront them directly would be madness! I am but one man. . . .

I had to work late tonight in order to finish up a translation for one of the directors at my company. In return, he treated me to dinner & booze at a small mom & pop izakaya that he always visits every time he comes to Tokyo. These kinds of places can be found all throughout the city, usually tucked away down side streets and embellished with little more than a small, unassuming sign and tattered noren. After consuming the best yaki-nasu (grilled eggplant) ever I’ve ever tasted plus an entire bottle of nihonshu, I saw the director (who by that point was rather sloshed, as he had consumed a much larger bottle of shochu) off at the station and stumbled on home, where I now sit.

And now, in light of my inebriated state silly mood, here are a pair scans of some purikura that Judy and I recently took. As you can see, actin’ the fool is what we do best.

Don’t you hate it when inconsiderate jerk bloggers don’t update their blogs for, like, days on end?

Yeah, me too. I’m such a prick.

My apologies, once again. After suffering through the past few weeks with barely any time to spare, when I finally found myself in a position to ease things up a bit, I couldn’t resist the urge to just do nothing for a little while. So instead of putting any time into this site, I caught up on some sleep, did some reading, frequented the gym and watched last week’s Evolution Schmevolution special on The Daily Show (a torrent of which — QuickTime/61.0MB — can be found here, courtest of onegoodmove). It was fun being a bum for a few days.

I’m planning to start posting semi-regularly again this week (hmm, sounds familiar) and I’ll do my best to keep it up. For tonight, however, here are two photos from the trip Judy and I took down to Minato Mirai on Sunday afternoon: one of some geezers taking photos of the night view and the other of the inside of the Keihin-Tohoku Line train on our way back to Tokyo. Completely not at all worth posting, I agree, but they’s all I got at the moment.

I don’t feel up to attempting a “real” post this evening, so I’ve decided to blatantly copy the successful format of Patrick’s ‘Today’s Five Things‘ blog. I certainly hope I can do justice to the original. Here goes:

1. Buy me this, and this, and this!
Judy and I recently set up a wedding gift registry via the Wedding Channel website. While at first it seemed like it would be fun to go through various online shops and basically choose anything that struck our fancy, we’ve since come to find the process to be a tad. . . laborious. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that we’re looking only at small images of products on a computer screen and trying to select items that we will be expected to use for the rest of our lives. I have a hard enough time picking out a pair of shoes