Who doesn’t love Nakagawa Shoko? With her well-documented fondness for cosplay, anime, the internet and, of course, cats, Shokotan’s eccentric charm has captured the hearts of oily, overweight, bespectacled virgin fanboys everywhere.

And so what better vehicle for her to capitalize on her appeal among the geek demographic than an advertisement for a video game? Earlier this year, Japanese game development firm Banpresto released Super Robo Taisen W for the Nintendo DS and gave Shocotan the starring role in a pair of TV commercials, which are conveniently available for your viewing pleasure in a single video linked below:

[AVI, 2.2MB]
YouTube

Anyone else a little disappointed that she didn’t put the DS in her mouth?

To those looking for some hot cat-in-mouth action, I invite you to check out the clip of Shokotan appearing on the Pochitama program here [AVI, 17.8MB] or here [YouTube]. (I must warn you: it’s pretty dull until about the two-minute mark.)

Now, let the pussy-eating jokes begin. . .

Aah, the misheard song lyric; that humorous phenomenon that leads to poor saps misguidedly singing along to lines about locking the cash box and bathrooms on the right. Leave it to the Japanese, naturally, to take such an everyday source of mild amusement and turn it into entertainment gold: Soramimi Hour, a short segment on Asahi TV’s Friday night staple, Tamori Club, hosted by the honorary blind man himself, Tamori, and his “Soramimist” co-host, illustrator Anzai Hajime.

The formula of Soramimi Hour begins with viewers submitting examples of songs by non-Japanese artists with lyrics that sound like words or phrases in Japanese. Short music videos—often no more than mere seconds in length—depicting the “misheard” Japanese lyrics are created and viewed on air by the hosts, after which Tamori awards prizes for the entries based on his assessment of their quality (in ranking order, the possible prizes are a hand towel, ear pick, t-shirt or jacket). The result of this process is nothing short of outright hilarity.

Strangely enough, despite having lived in Japan for five years, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I first learned of this highly entertaining television gem. It wasn’t like I had a glamorous social life that kept me out and about until the wee hours every Friday night (8 o’clock at Gusto, anyone? Drink bar’s on me!); yet, somehow, to my utter shame, I managed to be completely out of the loop.

Fortunately, there are dozens of Soramimi Hour clips available for viewing on YouTube, so I encourage anyone who might possibly be as lame as I am to have never heard of it before to surf over there and search for ’soramimi’ and/or ‘空耳’ and get ready to laugh. Some Japanese ability would definitely be an asset, but for many of the videos, the visual images alone are enough to summon a guffaw or two.

For those so lazy that even searching YouTube is out of the question, I’ve linked below a sampling of clips that I happened to find particularly amusing (yes, my sense of humor resides firmly in the gutter). Enjoy!

One day in the advertising department of Japanese pharmaceutical company Hisamitsu:

Advertising Executive: “Have you come up with any ideas for advertising the new Salonpas easy stick-on transdermal patches?”
Indentured Underling: “Well, I gave it a lot of thought. . .”
AE: “And . . .”
IU: “And, yeah, I was thinking that we should do something that makes the patches seem exciting.”
AE: “That sounds good. What do you have in mind?”
IU: “Well, I was thinking of something like, ‘Let’s stick it on!’, you know, ‘Harou!’”
AE: “That’s a fantastic idea! Tell me more!”
IU: “Well, I was thinking about it and — isn’t it sort of funny how ‘harou’ kind of sounds like ‘hello’?”
AE: “Haha, you’re right! That is funny!”
IU: “Right, so I was thinking that we could work around that, you know? Hire a foreigner and—”
AE: “Wait just a minute! We can’t go around featuring foreigners in our commercials! We’re not selling cars here, you know! Our products are for Japanese people! Everyone knows that Japanese and foreigners are physiologically completely different! If we start showing foreigners using our products, the public is going to think that our products are made for foreigners and not for them! Our sales will plummet! My god, man, use your head!”
IU: “Sir, I’m terribly sorry! There is absolutely no excuse for my utter stupidity. Shall I go commit ritual suicide now for the great shame that I have brought upon myself and our beloved Hisamitsu?”
AE: “No, not yet. First, you must help finalize this idea for the commercial.”
IU: “Yes, sir.”
AE: “Let’s see. . . how about instead of a foreigner (*shakes head in disbelief*), we get a well-known Japanese talent and put him in a silly suit with a blond wig and a huge fake nose—”
IU: “Sir, that is an excellent idea!”
AE: “I know it is, that’s why I thought of it! Anyhow, he’ll come on screen, act all crazy and speak really weirdly accented Japanese and yell ‘Hello!’ a couple of times while introducing our easy stick-on Salonpas patches. Yes, that will do quite well.”
IU: “Sir, if I may say so, I am truly in awe of your brilliance.”
AE: “Thank you. However, rather than simply marveling at my astounding and, frankly, unparalleled genius, I would prefer that you also try using your own worthless puddle of a brain to think up some ideas of your own.”
IU: “I’m sorry, sir.”
AE: “‘I’m sorry’ is nothing but words! I want to see action! Go out there and make me the best gosh-darned ‘Harou!’ commercial the world has ever seen!”
IU: “Yes, sir! I will give every effort that my poor, feeble mind is capable of giving!”
AE: “Good. Oh, and on your way out, please call in my secretary. It’s time for her to earn her ‘weekly bonus,’ if you know what I mean. Heh heh.”
IU: “Yes, sir!”

Four months later. . .

Click image above to view the ad [MPG, 777KB]

Yeah, yeah, you’ve read it all before — “Japanese TV commercials have sexy girls in bikinis in them, hyuck hyuck.” However, before I finally drop this topic for good, I’d like to present a poll on the matter. Well, not a true poll — unfortunately, I’m a bit too stupid to figure out how to get the poll plugin to display properly — so let’s just call it a question for you to ponder.

Instructions: Carefully review the following two examples of babes-in-bikinis-based advertising currently airing on Japanese television and answer the multiple choice question below.

Advertisement #1
Commercial for Marui department stores’ summer swimwear sale

Click image above to view [AVI, 6.1MB]

Advertisement #2
Commercial for part-time job placement agency Mobaito.com

Click image above to view [WMV, 6.6MB]

Don’t forget to use a #2 pencil!

It seems that I left out a prime example of babes-in-bikinis-based advertising in my earlier post on the matter. Just the other night on TV I caught an ad for Japanese skincare giant Kao’s Sofina Perfect UV brand sunscreen featuring South Korean model Youna prancing around on the beach wearing — you guessed it — a black sequinned bikini.

The ad has apparently been running since April, but I guess lately I’ve been slacking on my duty to seek out commercials on Japanese television featuring women in revealing outfits and write about them on the internet. For shame.

Based on the similar ads for Allie and Anessa sunscreens, can you guess how this one ends??

To see Youna in the Sofina Perfect UV ad, click here [AVI, 2.0MB] or here [YouTube].

I didn’t mention it in the Zuiikin English post, but one of the videos contained a great little nugget of nihonjinron that’s definitely worth noting. The video in question — which Claytonian has already duly pointed out — is apparently the final episode of the series and the producers, in response to requests from non-Japanese viewers, decided to devote it to teaching Japanese phrases instead of English (sadly, they also replaced the Zuiikin Gals with three freaky Caucasian geezers).

To anyone who can’t be bothered to watch the video, here’s a quote from the introduction to the lesson, which was narrated over scenes of a toned Japanese guy doing various exercises:

First of all, our muslces and those of the Japanese are basically built differently. For example, their constant bowing and tendency to maintain a low posture results in well-developed lower back muslces. Squatting on the floor instead of sitting on chairs developed different leg muslces. So, by teaching such muscles Japanese, you, too, can begin speaking perfect Japanese.

Nihonjinron isn’t something that I hear people spouting off on a regular basis, but every so often during conversation I do encounter statements such as “You foreigners are so tall because traditionally you were hunters, but we Japanese were traditionally farmers and so we are short because we we were always bent over rice fields,” “You can’t truly appreciate the taste of sushi because foreigners have different taste buds than Japanese,” and so on. Of course, rational argument and evidence to the contrary do nothing to diminish people’s belief in such nonsensical notions, so all I can do is just roll my eyes and change the subject.

I just had to mention some great videos currently making their way around many Japan-related websites, lest anyone miss out.

Apparently in 1992, just before the burst of the Japanese bubble era, Fuji TV created an innovative morning program combining light aerobic exercise and English conversation lessons, entited Zuiikin English.

The result was nothing less than sheer brilliance.

Rather than focusing on standard textbook phrases such as the infamous “This is a pen” line, which to this very day can still be frequently heard shouted out by drunken middle-aged salarymen towards unsuspecting foreigners, each episode of the program was centered around a specific theme or situation and offered relevant (albeit often somewhat bizarre) phrases that would supposedly come in handy in such instances. Each phrase was repeated by a trio of leotard-clad women, dubbed the Zuiikin Gals, who provided accompmanying body movements over a bouncy and irritatingly catchy electronic beat.

There are a number of wonderful Zuiikin English videos up on YouTube thanks to a generous soul by the name of SkillfulAbbot. Each video is undeniably priceless and provided me with lengthy fits of uncontrollable laughter (much to the chagrin of my wife, alas), but favorites were no doubt this one and this one.

Let’s Zuiikin English!

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If you liked these videos, be sure to also check out Let’s Sexy English! for another wacky example of unconventional Japanese English education.

What happens when American King of Pop Michael Jackson pays a surprise visit to Japanese Pop superstar group SMAP on the set of their SMAP×SMAP TV program?

To watch 9 minutes and 52 seconds of astonishment, bewilderment and awkwardness, click the image below!

With the last of the cherry blossoms having long since fluttered down to the earth, bringing to a close the glorious hanami season and thus signifying the end of the symbolic representation of the transient beauty and ephemeral nature of life or some such nonsense, it appears that summer is well on its way to Japan.

At least that’s the impression I’m getting from the commercials on TV these days. That’s right, the summer advertisement season has begun. Generally speaking, Japanese summer-themed commercials usually tend to feature one or more of the following components: 1) the shrill drone of cicadas, 2) people frolicking on eye-pleasing, non-concrete-lined beaches, and 3) women in revealing two-piece bathing suits.

Please allow me to focus on the third item today (as if there was any doubt that I wouldn’t). Although TV ads featuring women in provocative outfits or poses tend to draw a lot of controversy in the States (”OMG, she’s, like, eating a hamburger in a bathing suit!!1“), in Japan, no one seems to bat an eye at such blatant displays of sexual imagery utilized in attempt to sell goods. In light of the imminent arrival of summer (once that pesky rainy season passes, that is), I thought I would share some babes-in-bikinis-based commercials currently airing on TV to those people not fortunate enough to have access to Japanese broadcast television and all it has to offer. Behold!

Anessa Sunscreen
Japanese cosmestic giant Shiseido’s recent commercial for Anessa sunscreen has been getting quite a bit of attention among geeks on the internet, both Japanese and foreign. The ad features popular CanCam model Ebihara Yuri (aka “Ebi-chan”) taking a shower, diving into a pool of water and basically just enjoying being wet while wearing a bikini, culminating in her removal of the top piece of said garment. I believe the intended message to women consumers is “be sure to put sunscreen on your baps” or something like that.

To see Ebihara Yuri in the Anessa ad, click here [WMV, 6.4MB] or here [YouTube].

Kirin Lemon Soft Drink
What better way to advertise Kirin’s lemon-flavored carbonated beverage than by showing Urban Agency model Brenda in a bikini splashing about under a stream of water. The quick cuts and gratuitous close-ups really help impress upon the consumer the refreshing flavor of the drink and the fact that it has 27% less sugar. I honestly can’t even begin to describe how thirsty it has made me.

To see Brenda in the Kirin Lemon ad, click here [WMV, 1.2MB] or here [YouTube].

Allie Sunscreen
Cosmetic maker Kanebo’s new commercial for their Allie sunscreen features current advertising It Girl, CanCam model Yamada Yu, enjoying an afternoon on a yacht and partaking in various activities, including going for a swim, toweling off and then applying the advertised product to her glistening body. Similar to the Anessa ad, it closes with Yamada sans her bikini top, indicating to me that this iconic image must surely help sell sunscreen to women. . . right?

To see Yamada Yu in the Allie ad, click here [WMV, 3.4MB] or here [YouTube].

Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Although not summer-themed, Yamada Yu is also currently starring in a TV spot for Canada Dry Ginger Ale, which I believe is at least worth an honorable mention. The ad features Yadama in a glittery gold gown (yikes!) from which the sequins begin to rapidly flutter away before her entire body suddenly explodes in a burst of bubbles. This one also made me thirsty.

To see Yamada Yu in the Allie ad, click here [WMV, 2.8MB] or here [YouTube].

So there you have it: further proof that the commercials are perhaps the most entertaining aspect of Japanese TV (at least to us ignoble lechers, anyhow). Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go buy a carbonated beverage to quench my thirst and some sunscreen for the missus.

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UPDATE: More swimsuits for sales

Once again, tonight after coming home from work I plopped my fat ass down and watched some TV. I ended up catching the end of a 3-hour special episode of London Hearts, which used to be one of my favorite programs on Japanese TV (meaning that it was one of a few that I could actually stand). These days, the show usually features a regular lineup of woman talents ranking each other based on certain criteria (e.g., ‘Most likely to have sex on a first date’, ‘Least likely to do housework’, etc.) and harshly insulting each other in the process, but tonight’s special was different. Cohost Tamura Atsushi set about to help one of the show’s regulars, former-gravure- idol-turned-short-lived-80s-pop-star Aota Noriko (pictured), achieve her dream of reviving her singing career.

To accomplish this, Tamura went to famed music producer Komuro Tetsuya and received an unproduced single from his back catalogue. He then went to one of Komuro’s most successful acts, pop/ dance group TRF, for help with choreographing. After nearly a month of voice training, dance lessons and intense exercise, Aota — performing under the stage name of Bubble Aota — gave a live concert before 2,500-strong audience, including Japanese impersonators of Madonna, Michael Jackson and Robert De Niro (Teru from comedy duo Doyo).

Sounds pretty uninteresting, right? Well, consider the title of the song: ‘Jesus‘. No, it isn’t a religious hymn praising the Lord and Savior of Christianity or whatever; it’s actually bumping dance track about seduction and the bearded fellow from Nazareth, with a nutty chorus of “I wanna kiss Jesus’ power & soul.”

And no, this isn’t a joke. The single — with album cover featuring Aota’s driver’s license photo, no less — will be released next Wednesday, April 19th. Praise Jesus!

UPDATE: A video of Bubble Aota’s live performance of Jesus at Makuhari Messe can be viewed here [AVI, 40MB] and on YouTube here. Enjoy!

Learning a new language can be an incredibly frustrating experience. You’re forced to suffer through tyrannical instructors, dispiritingly dull textbooks and an excessive focus on things like grammar and verb conjugation, while all you really want to do is go out and use your newly- acquired language skills to swear at people and pick up foreign chicks. If only there was a way to make learning a new language more interesting and, even more importantly, more entertaining.

Well, leave it to the Japanese to come up with the solution. Combining their renowned love of pornography with their reverence for education, some ingenious visionaries have created a way to make learning English fun by making it sexxxy. The result, a video entitled Mina-san no Daisuki na SEX wo Tsuujite Eigo wo Benkyo — roughly Studying English through SEX — not only teaches practical vocabulary that everyone can use, but also provides unintentionally hilarious skits to demonstrate the lesson material.

So what are you waiting for? Take a gander at the most effective English learning tool ever created, starting with Lesson 1: Sexy Words. Let’s Sexy English!!!

[AVI, 15.8MB]
This video can also be found on YouTube here.

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Note: While the video doesn’t contain any nudity, it probably wouldn’t be considered work-safe. Also, although the beginning is a little slow, be sure not to be miss the ending!

In Japan, the knowledge of how to perform a bow in the proper form is absolutely essential for the inevitable and no doubt countless occasions in which Japanese people will be upset with you for a perceived slight ensuing from something you had previously thought to be completely innocuous, such as putting your hands in your pockets or asking what time it is without sufficiently polite inflection.

For that reason, the masters of cultural omniscience who brought us The Japanese Tradition: Sushi also created an insightful instructional video about dogeza, the act of bowing in supplication to ask forgiveness for wrongdoing (likewise handy for facilitating the release of gas from the bowels). Click below to view The Japanese Tradition: Dogeza.

[WMV, 4.92MB]

This piece isn’t to the same level of brilliance of the sushi one, but it’s funny enough. In lieu of subtitles, the video has an additional English audio track, however it’s not of very good quality and it fades in an out and at one point disappears completely. Regardless, I’d say it’s worth a watch for a chuckle and for the opportunity to obtain valuable insight that anyone with relations with Japan will undoubtedly have a need to utilize someday when forced to beg for forgiveness for blowing his or her nose one decibel too loudly.

One night last week I took a different route from my office back to Shibuya station in order to pick a couple of things up from Bic Camera. (And yes, to anyone who might be curious: they’re completely sold out of Nintendo DS’s.)

As I crossed the street and approached the station to head home, I heard the sound of some very funky grooves in the vicinity and followed my tone-deaf ears to an area off to the side of the station building. There I came upon a trio composed of the following members: a drummer, a bassist and — rather surprisingly — a tap dancer. The bassist was playing a succession of different grooves, to which the drummer was providing a funky beat, to which the tap dancer was providing tap the accompaniment — all combining to create one of the coolest things I’ve ever witnessed.

Now, I normally wouldn’t associate tap dancing with “coolness” or anything even remotely funky, but the tap dancer tapping away that night was nothing less than amazing. Watching the trio perform made me wish longingly that I had been born with any discernible sense of rhythm, instead of the whatever-the-hell awkward whiteboy anti-rhythm that I’ve been cursed with, leaving me completely incapable of any sort of musical output or the ability to get down in a non-spastic manner.

After standing around watching for about ten minutes or so, I took out my camera and took a bit of video of the performance. Unfortunately, my memory card was nearly full with photos from Hawaii, so I only got about 20 seconds of it. Even more disappointing, the tap dancer was by that point clearly extremely exhausted (in fact, he stopped dancing and doubled over to catch his breath about five seconds after I stopped filming), so what I did manage to film barely manages to capture the awesomeness of his talent.

Anyhow, anyone interested in seeing the short video clip can find it here. [AVI, 5.34MB]

So there we were, Judy and I, last Friday night on our way home after having dinner with my second cousin and her husband from England who were in Tokyo for a single day on their way back from a trip to Australia. Transferring from the Hibiya line at Ebisu station, we walked up the escalator to the crowded Yamanote line platform, where who should we happen to see, but…

(more…)

I was watching a bit of the London Hearts special on TV Asahi last night when I happened to catch a commercial advertising a new line-up of Chinese-style dishes at Mister Donut featuring none other than Lazer Ramon, aka Hard Gay.

Sadly, Hard Gay doesn’t actually appear in the commercial, nor, to my even greater disappointment, is there any thrusting of pelvises in the 15-second spot. The commercial merely features Hard Gay’s notorious “WOOO!!!” accompanying visuals of family members being literally “blown away” by the new menu.

It’s even lamer than it sounds.

However, anyone bored enough to actually want to watch it can simply click below.

[WMV, 595KB]

For the most part, Japanese network television is pretty darn unremarkable. If one were to flip through the channels at any time of day, one would likely find:

• A variety show featuring a roomful of mindless “talents” who are completely and utterly devoid of any actual talent whatsoever
• A cooking program
• A cooking program featuring a roomful of mindless talents who watch food being cooked and then sample it and loudly and repeatedly exclaim “OISHII!!!“
• Some kind of quiz show
• A quiz show featuring a roomful of mindless talents demonstrating just how mindless they truly are
• A sappy documentary about someone somewhere in the world who faces some sort of adversity (e.g., is looking for a job, is living in a brutal war zone, was born without legs, a combination thereof, etc.) and who Tries His/Her Best® to overcome the hardships of their situation
• A variety show featuring a roomful of mindless talents watching a sappy documentary and providing their horribly forced reactions to the hardships (tears) and the overcoming of the hardships (more tears) for the sake of the television viewers at home who have to be instructed how to react since they have neither souls nor a capacity for empathy

Once in a while, however, when you’re mindlessly browsing through the various offerings on each of the eleven channels available to you, something utterly insane and beyond comprehension to the mere non-Japanese mind will catch your eye and you’ll freeze, remote in hand, mouth agape, temporarily incapacitated with both shock and amusement in a profound moment of WTF.

A relatively recent example of this phenomenon is the outlandish TV persona of one Masaki Sumitami, otherwise known as “Razor Ramon HG.” Meet Hard Gay:

Known for his revealing black leather S&M outfit, incessant pelvis-thrusting and frequent exclamations of “WOOO!!!”, Hard Gay made a splash on the talent scene earlier this year and has quickly become the man of the moment on Japanese television. Despite his flamboyant personality and outrageous appearance reminiscent of the biker in the Village People, Hard Gay is not only not an actual homosexual, but his forays on television thus far have primarily been based on the wholesome concept of yonaoshi, or social improvement (although in recent appearances he has begun drifting into other territory involving his newfound celebrity). His TV segments usually feature him walking the streets and attempting to help out those he perceives as being in need whilst making jokes rich with pun and innuendo and thrusting his crotch with abandon, often to the horror and embarrassment of the subject(s) of his attention. While his antics may push the envelope at times, Hard Gay’s controversial moniker and appearance belie his good humor and affability.

There is absolutely no doubt that Hard Gay would never even make it onto television in the United States or any other nation of religious fanatics, however he’ right at home here in Japan, where most aspiring talents resort to adopting unique gimmicks — ridiculous outfits, silly catch phrases, stupid haircuts, etc. — in order to distinguish themselves from the competition. Hard Gay might be at the top now, but it’s debatable whether he will be able to stick around for long. While it’s undeniably difficult to resist imitating his pelvic thrusts and loud whoops (my exasperated fiancée can certainly attest to my own fondness for doing so way too often), basing one’s celebrity on a single gimmick can surely only last so long (can anyone say “GETS!“?).

For anyone interested in seeing Hard Gay in action , I’ve collected a number of clips from his appearances on the TBS program Daibakuten and they are linked below. Additional clips can be found on this Japanese site, however they take approximately forever to download. Alternatively, a torrent file of many of his clips (including the ones linked below) can be found here, courtesy of some guy who originally posted the link here. Enjoy!

	Hard Gay lending a hand to those in need [WMV, 5.50 MB]
	Hard Gay running a ramen shop (part 1) [WMV, 2.19 MB]
	Hard Gay running a ramen shop (part 2) [WMV, 1.56 MB]
	Hard Gay working at a gasoline stand [FLASH, 19.7 MB]
	Hard Gay drying a child’s tears [FLASH, 17.8 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 1) [FLASH, 35.2 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 2) [FLASH, 16.1 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 3) [FLASH, 21.2 MB]
	Hard Gay at Yahoo! Japan [MOV, 31.1 MB]

Let’s killing my bandwidth, WOOO!!!

Don’t you hate it when inconsiderate jerk bloggers don’t update their blogs for, like, days on end?

Yeah, me too. I’m such a prick.

My apologies, once again. After suffering through the past few weeks with barely any time to spare, when I finally found myself in a position to ease things up a bit, I couldn’t resist the urge to just do nothing for a little while. So instead of putting any time into this site, I caught up on some sleep, did some reading, frequented the gym and watched last week’s Evolution Schmevolution special on The Daily Show (a torrent of which — QuickTime/61.0MB — can be found here, courtest of onegoodmove). It was fun being a bum for a few days.

I’m planning to start posting semi-regularly again this week (hmm, sounds familiar) and I’ll do my best to keep it up. For tonight, however, here are two photos from the trip Judy and I took down to Minato Mirai on Sunday afternoon: one of some geezers taking photos of the night view and the other of the inside of the Keihin-Tohoku Line train on our way back to Tokyo. Completely not at all worth posting, I agree, but they’s all I got at the moment.

If the slight reduction in the amount of sweat that rolls down the back of my legs as I make my way to work each morning wasn’t indication enough, this past week I encountered irrefutable evidence that autumn has finally made its long-awaited arrival to this otherwise still-sweltering land.

Yes, Kirin’s Akiaji is back on store shelves nationwide in a newly-designed fanciful autumn leaf-decorated can. Mere words simply cannot describe the true significance of this blessed occasion, so let me instead imbibe this luscious amber liquid until the point where stringing a sentence together becomes altogether impossible. As may be easily ascertainable from the quality of what has been written thus far, utter incoherence is not far away.

If anyone is interested in seeing the television commercial for Akiaji that is has been airing as of late, just click below! [ASF, 593KB]

South Korean actor Bae Yong Joon arrived in Tokyo yesterday, setting hearts aflutter and loins aflame amongst Japan’s middle-aged female population. Over six hundred people — mainly women well beyond child-rearing age — were present at Narita airport to catch a glimpse of the star, known affectionately as “Yon-sama” among Japanese fans, who is in town to promote his latest film April Snow.

Upon entering the airport arrival area, Bae, dressed in a spiffy and not-at-all-homosexual pink shirt, was confronted with the sight of hundreds of wrinkled, saggy-bodied women, most old enough to be his mother, screaming and jumping up and down like giddy teenagers.

Afterwards, airport employees no doubt spent several hours mopping up the vast lagoon of groin gravy left behind by the graying, sex-starved crowd.

Click the image below to see a news clip of Yon-sama’s absolutely thrilling arrival at Narita [WMV, 3.76MB]. It’s just like Beatlemania, except there’s only one guy with a moppy haircut and the women are all twice as old!

It’s pretty amazing how much traffic the Smoking Manners gallery continues to draw. Last Saturday showed 15,000 (!) unique visitors, which is a bit more than usual to this humble site.

Since many of the people who visit conbinibento.com don’t speaka ‘da Japanese, I thought I’d mention that the Japan Tobacco website has a Smoking Manners screensaver available for download. It’s a continuous montage of many of the ads and will no doubt bring you loads of success with the opposite sex. Enjoy!

Sushi, with its aesthetic fusion of exotic tradition and simple sophistication, may be considered to be the quintessence of Japanese cuisine.

These days, it seems as though nearly everyone has at least heard of sushi and many have even enjoyed first-hand its culinary delights. However, how much do people outside of Japan really know about this paragon of haute Japanese fare? Click the image below for a rare opportunity to learn everything you could ever possibly hope to know about the time-honored practice of visiting a sushi restaurant in Japan, courtesy of a hilarious, tongue-in-cheek instructional video entitled The Japanese Tradition: Sushi.

(Japanese with English subtitles; WMV, 30.4MB)
A torrent of this video is also available here.

Naruhodo, samurai no kuni desu ne.

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UPDATE: For anyone who might be interested, The Japanese Tradition: Dogeza can be found here.

Earlier this week, Japundit reported that Miyoko Kawahara, the 58-year-old Nara woman who harassed her 64-year-old neighbor with incessant shouting and loud music day and night for nearly three years, recently pleaded not guilty to the charges of inflicting violence and injury on her neighbor.

Trouble started when Kawahara developed a grudge against her neighbor in 1989 after the older woman’s family moved in but did not come over to greet her, as is often the custom in Japan. A light that was reportedly too bright, a car that was parked the wrong way, and other incidents Kawahara perceived as slights added fuel to the feud over the years, apparently driving Kawahara over the edge and firmly into the realm of battydom.

Kawahara’s antics really have to be seen to fully appreciate her utter insanity. A video (WMV, 16MB) can be downloaded by clicking below. Enjoy!

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By the way, for anyone who is unfamiliar with Japundit, I highly recommend checking out their site. Quality content, frequent updates, and a big ol’ rising sun logo. What more could anyone possibly want?

I caught the end of the music show Hey! Hey! Hey! last night, and one of the episode’s featured guests was the pop-rock group Orange Range. These guys have made a career out of ripping off chord progressions from countless other musicians who possess actual talent, slapping them together to loosely form what might be considered a song and then trying to pass it off as their own original work “with influences.” Their target audience — airheaded junior high school kids with an apparent proclivity for sniffing glue — is completely clueless about the source material and sadly couldn’t possibly even care, and thus, the barely pubescent boys of Orange Range continue to find success, rake in the dough and inspire the creaming of their underage fans’ panties.

Just to set the record straight before I incur the wrath of any Orange Range fans (as I did with that Otsuka Ai post last year) — I have absolutely nothing against Japanese musicians or the practice of sampling in general. The entire hip-hop genre wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the sampling of beats and breaks from earlier songs and incorporating them to create something new and fresh (I’m referring to old school hip hop here; the state of the current scene is pitiable). Whether or not Orange Range properly licenses the riffs they “borrow,” I don’t know, nor is that all that important to my point. I’m also not claiming superiority over naiveté and ignorance of the average Orange Range fan. I myself was young(er) and stupid(er) once; in fact, I clearly remember the first time I played the MC Hammer CD that I won for my performance of Young MC’s Bust a Move in a lip-synching contest. When my favorite tune at the time, U Can’t Touch This, came on, my music buff father commented, “Oh, that’s Rick James [bitch],” to which I rolled my eyes and idiotically replied, “No it isn’t, Dad, it’s MC Hammer” (feel free to laugh at me to your heart’s content, I certainly do).

However, as I see it, the sampling of riffs and breaks for the composition of a underlying beat used to complement something hip and innovative is completely different from the ganking of a variety of melodies or chords with only the last couple of notes in the progressions changed or the rhythms slightly altered, and then sticking them together with some moronic lyrics and calling it original. It’s a thin line, I’ll admit that, but one has to look at the significance of the new, original material that ideally should compose the majority of the work.

Now, before I make myself sound even more moronic and pretentious than I already do, I hereby enter into evidence a flash animation detailing several examples of Orange Range’s complete lack of creativity here. The text is in Japanese, but one will no doubt recognize several of the original riffs lifted from Western artists such as Queen, Bon Jovi and Kiss, Japanese artists such as Mr. Children and Spitz, and even Dr. Mario (!). In addition, here’s an article with further information about the band and their “mix of influences.”

Just so I don’t come off as a complete crotchety bastard, unlike the generic Boy Bands whose fifteen minutes I wish would hurry up and end already, the guys in Orange Range actually do play their own instruments, so despite their inherent wankertude, I have to at least give them some props for that. They also seem to be quite adept at plucking their eyebrows, too.

Ever since the advent of the computer age, the unyielding speed of technological advancement has been nothing short of astounding. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before this progress extended to the world of smut (about five minutes, to be exact), where prospective applications stand to provide endless benefit to the world’s awkward and perverted. Geeky losers who would never have a chance of achieving physical contact with actual members of the fairer sex are hard at work on the development of computer-generated women, with the goal of one day realizing their ultimate dream of the creation of a virtual sexual experience where a willing human partner becomes redundant.

With a society that inexplicably breeds an inordinate number of socially inept men, Japan continues to lead the world in the development of advanced virtual sexual technology in an attempt to bring to life ideas conceivable only in the wildest imaginations. MetaDoll.com is a prime example of just how far this technology has come within the past few years alone. The site features images of nubile CG beauties in a variety of outfits and poses, as well as a number of animations and interactive games. Access to most of the content requires a membership, however there are a few select features accessible without one, including this great Shockwave game jovially titled “Play with My Boobs!” [hint: keep clicking for additional options].

As the innovation of this progressive technology continues, one can only imagine the potential applications when it will be inevitably combined with Japan’s advanced wanking technology. The possibilities are endless!

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Psst ↓ ↓ ↓

username: vip08
password: A01-4415-0822

Google is your friend.

Last night, some of my officemates and I went out for an informal kangeikai (welcome party) for a guy who was transferred to work in our office in Tokyo. As our decision to go out was a bit last-minute, none of our usual haunts had room for our group, so we ended up going to a chain izakaya near Shibuya station called Kaasan. Kaasan means “Mother” in Japanese, and the chain markets itself as providing homely fare prepared with a motherly touch. Accordingly, the kitchen and wait staff are composed entirely of matronly middle-aged women who dote on customers with a maternal demeanor whilst supplying them with large quantities of alcohol and reminding them to finish their vegetables.

Since it was a Monday night, we all decided to limit our intake of alcoholic beverages, but achieved varying degrees of success. It’s actually a tad difficult to keep track of how much nihonshu you’re drinking when someone refills your cup after every sip. Nonetheless, we all made it to the station afterwards without anyone puking or passing out (which is quite an accomplishment in itself), and parted ways.

Upon returning to my apartment to find Judy sound asleep, I realized that I had to return a DVD to the video rental shop before midnight, and so I headed back out and managed to get the DVD into the hands of the cashier with about three minutes to spare. As I walked past the station on my way back to my apartment, I happened to pass by a guy who I’ve seen many times playing the saxophone and trumpet (albeit not at the same time) beneath the elevated train tracks. Feeling somewhat chatty after my numerous beers and countless glasses of sake, I greeted the guy asked him, “Do you play here often?” (which, in retrospect, does indeed sound like a cheesy pickup line, much to my dismay).

We chatted briefly about our respective backgrounds and time in Japan, and I learned that he was originally from New York and had spent the past 15 years in Tokyo. Unfortunately, within minutes the conversation quickly took a turn towards one-sidedness and the guy began to rant and rave about everything from the film industry to the American government to the lamentable prevalence of ignorance among the youth of today. He seemed like a rather intelligent guy, but he was definitely on a different level than most “normal” folk. I’m hesitant to just pass him off as some whackjob, but when people advocate the overthrow of the government and say paranoid things like “Don’t you see? They don’t want you to know what’s going on!”, it certainly makes one wonder about their mental stability. I barely managed to get a word in edgewise the entire time, but since I’m not the type to rudely interrupt others when they are speaking, I ended up standing there for over an hour listening to his tirade.

Since then, after having thought a bit more about some of the things that he was saying, and considering the depth of his knowledge and analysis of each issue he mentioned, I’ve come to realize just how intellectually inactive I’ve become in the last few years. I definitely felt more socially aware when I was in university (although I forwent the traditional scraggly facial hair, “Free Mumia” pin and other clich´s), but in the years since, while my knowledge and understanding of social issues and world events have increased considerably, I’ve found that my priorities have shifted a bit and I no longer focus as much energy on them.

Could this be due to disillusionment? To laziness? To having become complacent from living in a society regrettably known for its ignorance and shallowness? Perhaps it’s just from growing older and now being in a position where I’m relatively comfortable enough to enjoy the small pleasures in life, rather than dwell upon the inequalities and injustices in the world. Or maybe I’m just a bad person.

I suppose my biggest question is: Why do my coworkers insist on getting soused in the middle of the week? My head hurts.

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My apologies for the particularly inane ramblings as of late. I promise I’ll be back to writing about boobies and eccentricities in Japanese society and whatever else shortly. In the meantime, why not take a peek at this video of J-Pop super-group and fodder for Japan’s legion of pedophiles, Morning Musume, squeal and squirm as they watch a clip from the Japanese film Ringu.

Apparently there are few pleasures in life comparable to that attained from scaring young girls.

I think it goes without saying that Japan is a nation obsessed with breasts. From titty mags displayed at children’s eye level in convenience stores to women nonchalantly sizing each other up on TV, breasts can be found everywhere (even on actual women!). Forget about the rising sun, Japan is the land of perky, bouncy, delectable boobies.

Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. Despite the fascination with all things mammary in this country, Japanese women are unfortunately known for having rather less-than- ample bust sizes. In this environment, as any economist will tell you, the shortage in supply of big knockers combined with the insatiable demand for them only increases the value of this precious, precious commodity. As a result, even if a woman has the talent and the personality of a pile of rocks, if she happens to be blessed with a bountiful bosom, she has the potential to become a famous celebrity simply due to the size of her “assets”. Conversely, the abundant supply of tiny ta-ta’s and the accompanying low demand leave many women with smaller chest sizes feeling inadequate.

Well, if there’s anything that unites women worldwide above and beyond having vaginas and going through a menstrual cycle and and all that, it’s undoubtedly an unfounded insecurity about their bodies. Japan is, of course, no exception, however rather than implants or other surgical methods of augmentation, Japanese women tend to rely on more “natural” methods in their attempts to enhance their busts, the most common of which are usually excessive padding and push-up bras.

However, as it is human nature to never be fully satisfied with anything, Japanese women continue to search for other ways in which to not simply make their breasts look bigger, but actually grow bigger. Naturally, enterprising companies are more than happy to capitalize on this desperate desire by offering a wide range of “enhancement” products with promises of bigger, fuller breasts in minimal time.

Just last week, various Western media outlets reported on one such product, which is advertised as being able to help enhance the size, shape and tone of women’s breasts. What is it? Why, it’s chewing gum! That’s right, B2UP, the makers of Bust-Up Gum, claim their product not only will provide a bigger bust, but also improved circulation, reduced stress levels and anti-aging effects. The product has grown so popular with significant interest from outside of Japan that B2UP has recently announced plans on its website to set up online shopping (in both Japanese and English) to try to meet the demand. Of course, larger, firmer breasts don’t come cheap. A single bottle containing 50 pieces runs about ¥5800 (US$55).

As odd as it may seem, Bust-Up Gum is actually only one example of many products on the large and ever-increasing “bust up” market. Swindlers Health product companies are offering everything from breast-enhancing capsules and rub-on gels to bras that supposedly utilize atmospheric infrared radiation and ultrasonic waves to increase the size of the wearer’s tits. Do any of these products work? I don’t know, and I seriously doubt it. However, if anyone has ever tried them, I call on you to kindly submit before and after photos for the purpose of, um, further research into the matter.

Together we can help make a difference in the fight against flat-chestedness.

Nothing much going on today except that it’s still cold and wintry, and everyone I know is feeling miserable (stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Anyway, here’s a bathroom sign that gave me a bit of a chuckle when I saw it in a department store a little while back:

If that doesn’t cheer you up, then maybe some Japanese vacuum porn will (or, conversely, make you even more horribly depressed. . .).

When you’re a kid, every bit of information you hear on the schoolyard is considered unquesti