Who doesn’t love Nakagawa Shoko? With her well-documented fondness for cosplay, anime, the internet and, of course, cats, Shokotan’s eccentric charm has captured the hearts of oily, overweight, bespectacled virgin fanboys everywhere.

And so what better vehicle for her to capitalize on her appeal among the geek demographic than an advertisement for a video game? Earlier this year, Japanese game development firm Banpresto released Super Robo Taisen W for the Nintendo DS and gave Shocotan the starring role in a pair of TV commercials, which are conveniently available for your viewing pleasure in a single video linked below:

[AVI, 2.2MB]
YouTube

Anyone else a little disappointed that she didn’t put the DS in her mouth?

To those looking for some hot cat-in-mouth action, I invite you to check out the clip of Shokotan appearing on the Pochitama program here [AVI, 17.8MB] or here [YouTube]. (I must warn you: it’s pretty dull until about the two-minute mark.)

Now, let the pussy-eating jokes begin. . .

Longtime monarch of the Japanese Kawaii Kingdom, Sanrio, has recently released what is quite possibly the MOST AMAZING PRODUCT EVER CONCEIVED: the Banana Case.

No longer must people duck and dart in fear whilst carrying around their bananas. Made of seemingly indestructible polyester cloth, the Banana Case provides impenetrable protection against any sort of danger imaginable: household pests, natural disasters, IEDs, wild animals including blood-thirsty hybrid species cultivated by rogue geneticists, wheelchair-bound limbless homeless men with laser beams shooting out of their gaping, toothless maws, and even the occasional occurrence of being left in the backseat of a car on a hot afternoon.

The Sanrio Banana Case is not only eco-friendly compared to other alternatives, but it also comes in two eye-searingly cute designs guaranteed to make fine additions to any arsenal of adorability.

I swear, what a great, great, amazingly marvelous product! The only thing that could possibly be any more incredibly awesome would be if bananas could somehow be genetically engineered to grow in their own protective coverings that could somehow be removed or “peeled” before eating. . . but such a thing is surely so outrageously inconceivable that it enters the far-out realm of science fiction!

Do you want to know one thing that I don’t miss at all about Japan? It was something that I didn’t even realize I wasn’t missing until the other night when I was out and happened to pass by a group of slovenly teenagers seemingly doing all they could to look “cool.” Their clothes were baggy, their hair was shaggy and in each of their grubby mitts was a cigarette. At that moment, I realized that it had been ages since my nose had been assaulted by the acrid stench of cigarette smoke—an ever-present nuisance in Japan—and I didn’t miss it one bit. In fact, I was absolutely overjoyed to be free of it (well, at least until that particular moment).

Back to the teenagers, though. The fact that they seemed to be consciously attempting to direct their exhalations into the faces of passers-by was abhorrent enough; however, when I saw each of them proceed one by one to flick their butts onto the street, I could only thing of one thing:

That’s right, Japan Tobacco’s beautiful Smoking Manners campaign! And guess what? They’ve added 30 new ads to their website! The focus of these latest additions seems to be the importance of carrying portable ashtrays and the admonitions against littering in general. Somewhat mundane subject matter, perhaps, but their playful designs and esoteric charm definitely shine through.

Click here to go to the Smoking Manners gallery (the new entries are on the second page).

Aah, the misheard song lyric; that humorous phenomenon that leads to poor saps misguidedly singing along to lines about locking the cash box and bathrooms on the right. Leave it to the Japanese, naturally, to take such an everyday source of mild amusement and turn it into entertainment gold: Soramimi Hour, a short segment on Asahi TV’s Friday night staple, Tamori Club, hosted by the honorary blind man himself, Tamori, and his “Soramimist” co-host, illustrator Anzai Hajime.

The formula of Soramimi Hour begins with viewers submitting examples of songs by non-Japanese artists with lyrics that sound like words or phrases in Japanese. Short music videos—often no more than mere seconds in length—depicting the “misheard” Japanese lyrics are created and viewed on air by the hosts, after which Tamori awards prizes for the entries based on his assessment of their quality (in ranking order, the possible prizes are a hand towel, ear pick, t-shirt or jacket). The result of this process is nothing short of outright hilarity.

Strangely enough, despite having lived in Japan for five years, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I first learned of this highly entertaining television gem. It wasn’t like I had a glamorous social life that kept me out and about until the wee hours every Friday night (8 o’clock at Gusto, anyone? Drink bar’s on me!); yet, somehow, to my utter shame, I managed to be completely out of the loop.

Fortunately, there are dozens of Soramimi Hour clips available for viewing on YouTube, so I encourage anyone who might possibly be as lame as I am to have never heard of it before to surf over there and search for ’soramimi’ and/or ‘空耳’ and get ready to laugh. Some Japanese ability would definitely be an asset, but for many of the videos, the visual images alone are enough to summon a guffaw or two.

For those so lazy that even searching YouTube is out of the question, I’ve linked below a sampling of clips that I happened to find particularly amusing (yes, my sense of humor resides firmly in the gutter). Enjoy!

One day in the advertising department of Japanese pharmaceutical company Hisamitsu:

Advertising Executive: “Have you come up with any ideas for advertising the new Salonpas easy stick-on transdermal patches?”
Indentured Underling: “Well, I gave it a lot of thought. . .”
AE: “And . . .”
IU: “And, yeah, I was thinking that we should do something that makes the patches seem exciting.”
AE: “That sounds good. What do you have in mind?”
IU: “Well, I was thinking of something like, ‘Let’s stick it on!’, you know, ‘Harou!’”
AE: “That’s a fantastic idea! Tell me more!”
IU: “Well, I was thinking about it and — isn’t it sort of funny how ‘harou’ kind of sounds like ‘hello’?”
AE: “Haha, you’re right! That is funny!”
IU: “Right, so I was thinking that we could work around that, you know? Hire a foreigner and—”
AE: “Wait just a minute! We can’t go around featuring foreigners in our commercials! We’re not selling cars here, you know! Our products are for Japanese people! Everyone knows that Japanese and foreigners are physiologically completely different! If we start showing foreigners using our products, the public is going to think that our products are made for foreigners and not for them! Our sales will plummet! My god, man, use your head!”
IU: “Sir, I’m terribly sorry! There is absolutely no excuse for my utter stupidity. Shall I go commit ritual suicide now for the great shame that I have brought upon myself and our beloved Hisamitsu?”
AE: “No, not yet. First, you must help finalize this idea for the commercial.”
IU: “Yes, sir.”
AE: “Let’s see. . . how about instead of a foreigner (*shakes head in disbelief*), we get a well-known Japanese talent and put him in a silly suit with a blond wig and a huge fake nose—”
IU: “Sir, that is an excellent idea!”
AE: “I know it is, that’s why I thought of it! Anyhow, he’ll come on screen, act all crazy and speak really weirdly accented Japanese and yell ‘Hello!’ a couple of times while introducing our easy stick-on Salonpas patches. Yes, that will do quite well.”
IU: “Sir, if I may say so, I am truly in awe of your brilliance.”
AE: “Thank you. However, rather than simply marveling at my astounding and, frankly, unparalleled genius, I would prefer that you also try using your own worthless puddle of a brain to think up some ideas of your own.”
IU: “I’m sorry, sir.”
AE: “‘I’m sorry’ is nothing but words! I want to see action! Go out there and make me the best gosh-darned ‘Harou!’ commercial the world has ever seen!”
IU: “Yes, sir! I will give every effort that my poor, feeble mind is capable of giving!”
AE: “Good. Oh, and on your way out, please call in my secretary. It’s time for her to earn her ‘weekly bonus,’ if you know what I mean. Heh heh.”
IU: “Yes, sir!”

Four months later. . .

Click image above to view the ad [MPG, 777KB]

Nakagawa Shoko loves cats. She really loves them.

Just how much does the 21-year-old ‘Akiba Idol’ love cats? Click below to find out.

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Generally speaking, Japanese television doesn’t do much for me. Sure, there are a few programs that I find mildly entertaining, but one can only watch so many shows about cooking and/or eating food, silly trivia and mundane, formulaic dramas. However, the one merit that Japanese TV has over, say, American TV, is the possibility of encountering random, sheer draw-dropping absurdity while casually flipping through the channels.

A case in point is something I stumbled upon last Wednesday night: a contest on a comedy variety program called Haneru no Tobira (Hanetobi for short). Basically, the game involves five Japanese comedians in a kaiten-zushi (conveyor-belt sushi) restaurant in Roppongi, an area in Tokyo known for its high concentration of foreign residents. Why Roppongi? Well, according to most Japanese people, it’s a universally-known fact that the Japanese invented chopsticks and people of other nationalities are inherently incapable of mastering their proper usage (resulting in every non-Japanese person being asked “Can you use chopsticks?” at least once per conversation with every single Japanese person they ever meet). Thus, in order to achieve absolute authenticity, the contestants in the game each came costumed to represent members of different foreign nations. Let’s meet them!

THE AMERICAN

Tsukaji Muga as Tsukageorge

_

THE INDIAN

Itakura Toshiyuki as Itachai

_

THE CHINA GIRL

Abukawa Mihoko as Abuchan

_

THE RUSSIAN

Akiyama Ryuji as Akibachof

_

THE MEXICAN

Kajiwara Yuta as Kajikaras

Wow, there’s nothing quite like offensive racial caricatures to get things off to a good start, eh?

The game began with all of the contestants taking a seat along the counter in front of the sushi chef, played by fellow comedian Nishino Akihiro, and engaging in witty banter on the sole topic of their foreignness, complete with exaggerated body language and heavily-accented Japanese.

Once the sheer hilarity of the fact that they were dressed as foreigners had died down a little, the game got off to a start. Small plates of sushi and other food items (e.g., a whole raw squid, a slice of honeydew melon, etc.) were sent around on the conveyor belt one-by-one, and the object of the game was for each contestant to use chopsticks to scoop each item up off of the plate and into his/her mouth without dropping it before the plate passed them by.

The only catch that the contestants were required to use their chopsticks in — say it ain’t so! — the proper form (i.e., grasping the top chopstick like a pencil).

One by one, each contestant did their best to pick up each item and put it into their mouths without incident. Those who succeeded were rewarded with the succulent taste of the whichever delicacy they managed to grab.

Those who failed, however, were greeted by unpleasant visitors: two ripped Japanese guys looking to mete out some fierce punishment! (Look familiar?)

Yep, at this particular kaiten-zushi joint, customers who fail to pick up their food from the revolving conveyor belt must face some revolving of their own.

As you can see, inadequate chopstick-handling is not without its consequences.

By the end of the game, whichever contestant managed to escape being spun around at the hands of the Chopstick Etiquette Enforcers was declared the winner. In this particular episode, it was the Chinese girl. Go figure.

Now, while it’s easy to imagine non-Japanese people who happened to view this program getting all up in arms with indignation over the stereotpyical portrayal of foreigners (I know I did at first), one thing worth noting is that the program is actually making fun of Japanese people’s inability to use chopsticks properly. The ironic truth of the matter is that many Japanese themselves people don’t hold their chopsticks “correctly;” most simply continue to use whatever method they found easiest as a child without regard for the proper form. In fact, the topic of how people hold their chopsticks pops up in conversations with surprising regularity here (at least among some of the dull people I work with, who always seem to bring it up after “o-hashi jouzu“-ing me for the gazillionth time in the many years we’ve known each other).

There’s certainly no denying the fact that the Japanese comedians dressing up like ethnic caricatures is nothing short of an old-time minstrel show, but for what it’s worth, it’s not like similar things haven’t been shown on TV in the West. I suppose some issues to consider are the nature of the humor as well as how it is received by the intended audience.

Hanetobi airs Wednesdays at 7:57p.m. on Fuji TV.

After last Saturday’s post about nihonjinron and the comments that followed, it was quite amusing to see this week’s Crisscross Japan PopVox, in which eight Japanese folks were asked what they think of Japan’s notably lackluster performance in the Word Cup thus far. One 19-year-old female respondent calling herself P-Chan offered this gem of a possible explanation:

I’m not sure why but the national team doesn’t know how to be aggressive or put on pressure in a game. Maybe it’s because of our ethnicity as an agricultural people. Physically we are small.

One can often hear the “Japan-is-a-small-agricultural-country” mentioned as the reasoning behind just about any possible shortcoming of Japanese society. Soccer team isn’t doing well? “We are a nation of small farmers.” Defeated in WWII? “We are a peaceful farming nation.” Increasing crime and weakening social fabric? “Western influences are destroying our small, harmonious nation.” Am I exaggerating a bit? Yes, but I’m not pulling it out of my ass completely. Click here to read someone else’s rant on the matter over at Japan Reference.

I didn’t mention it in the Zuiikin English post, but one of the videos contained a great little nugget of nihonjinron that’s definitely worth noting. The video in question — which Claytonian has already duly pointed out — is apparently the final episode of the series and the producers, in response to requests from non-Japanese viewers, decided to devote it to teaching Japanese phrases instead of English (sadly, they also replaced the Zuiikin Gals with three freaky Caucasian geezers).

To anyone who can’t be bothered to watch the video, here’s a quote from the introduction to the lesson, which was narrated over scenes of a toned Japanese guy doing various exercises:

First of all, our muslces and those of the Japanese are basically built differently. For example, their constant bowing and tendency to maintain a low posture results in well-developed lower back muslces. Squatting on the floor instead of sitting on chairs developed different leg muslces. So, by teaching such muscles Japanese, you, too, can begin speaking perfect Japanese.

Nihonjinron isn’t something that I hear people spouting off on a regular basis, but every so often during conversation I do encounter statements such as “You foreigners are so tall because traditionally you were hunters, but we Japanese were traditionally farmers and so we are short because we we were always bent over rice fields,” “You can’t truly appreciate the taste of sushi because foreigners have different taste buds than Japanese,” and so on. Of course, rational argument and evidence to the contrary do nothing to diminish people’s belief in such nonsensical notions, so all I can do is just roll my eyes and change the subject.

I just had to mention some great videos currently making their way around many Japan-related websites, lest anyone miss out.

Apparently in 1992, just before the burst of the Japanese bubble era, Fuji TV created an innovative morning program combining light aerobic exercise and English conversation lessons, entited Zuiikin English.

The result was nothing less than sheer brilliance.

Rather than focusing on standard textbook phrases such as the infamous “This is a pen” line, which to this very day can still be frequently heard shouted out by drunken middle-aged salarymen towards unsuspecting foreigners, each episode of the program was centered around a specific theme or situation and offered relevant (albeit often somewhat bizarre) phrases that would supposedly come in handy in such instances. Each phrase was repeated by a trio of leotard-clad women, dubbed the Zuiikin Gals, who provided accompmanying body movements over a bouncy and irritatingly catchy electronic beat.

There are a number of wonderful Zuiikin English videos up on YouTube thanks to a generous soul by the name of SkillfulAbbot. Each video is undeniably priceless and provided me with lengthy fits of uncontrollable laughter (much to the chagrin of my wife, alas), but favorites were no doubt this one and this one.

Let’s Zuiikin English!

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If you liked these videos, be sure to also check out Let’s Sexy English! for another wacky example of unconventional Japanese English education.

On trips to Shibuya on separate occasions over the past two weekends, two visitors from abroad — my friend Josh and Judy’s mother — both commented on a particular billboard currently on display on the side of Tokyu department store. The billboard in question, which I had hitherto paid little notice, is an advertisement for Unilever’s Dove brand featuring a group of Japanese women in their underwear.

“Old news, chump,” I hear you say. Yes, Dove has been running their “Campaign for Real Beauty” in the States for over a year now, and although I read about the hubbub that it caused at the time, as far as I know it didn’t make its way over to these shores until recently.

For those who may not be familiar with Dove’s campaign, it was originally launched with a series of ads featuring “regular” woman of varying sizes and ethnicities cheerfully posing in plain white underwear (it has since expanded in scope, apparently). According to Dove’s website:

For too long, beauty has been defined by narrow, stifling stereotypes. Women have told us it’s time to change all that. Dove agrees. We believe real beauty comes in many shapes, sizes and ages. That is why Dove is launching the Campaign for Real Beauty.

Dove’s global Campaign for Real Beauty aims to change the status quo and offer in its place a broader, healthier, more democratic view of beauty. A view of beauty that all women can own and enjoy everyday.

Here is a picture of one such ad shown in the US:

As you can see, there are women of different sizes, shapes and colors. One of them even has a prominent tattoo. Of course, not all ethnicities are represented (where’s the love for the Asian fatties?), and the women aren’t that big given today’s widespread obesity, but it’s an interesting campaign that brings attention important issues such as body image, ideals of feminine beauty as portrayed in the media, and so on.

Now let’s take a look an ad from Dove Japan’s “Real Beauty” campaign:

Hmmm… Women of different sizes? No. Shapes? No. Colors? No (unless you count the towels they’re holding, anyhow). As far as I can tell, the only obvious differences between the seven women are their hairstyles. And I can’t even imagine what sort of sick, misogynistic individual would even for a moment consider those women to be anything other than thin. They may not be models, as Dove purports, but they’re certainly not representative of the average Japanese woman (as much we might wish they were).

To be fair to Dove, though, the focus of the Japanese campaign is a teensy bit different than that of the American one. Rather than “Real women have real curves,” the Japanese slogan is (roughly) “I won’t hide my skin anymore.” The intended message, obviously, is that Japanese women should feel proud of their appearance and have confidence in themselves, even if they don’t conform to society’s image of beauty.

Of course, it seems that Unilever Japan did their market research and realized that if they came out with a campaign in featuring “fuller-figured” women, they would be immediately labeled as the brand for fatso’s and would thereupon lose any hope of appealing to fickle, extremely brand-conscious Japanese consumers. So, rather than “real women,” the Japanese public gets “women who are not models, but who are thinner and more attractive than 95% of the female population.” Interesting, to say the least.

Sorry, have been a bit busy these past few days. Judy’s mother and sister are visiting Japan at the moment and came up to Tokyo on Saturday, so last weekend was another busy one. Will try to post again soon!

My friend Josh and his girlfriend Wei Wei came out to Tokyo from Taipei this past weekend, and Judy and I did our best to give them The Tokyo Experience. We only had a few days, but we tried to see/do as much as possible during that time, and as a result, despite it now being several days later, I still have yet to fully recover.

I’ll try to put up some photos from the weekend within the next few days, but in the meantime here’s one of a scene we came across while passing through Ginza on Sunday:

The model dressed in geisha garb was on the street for less than two minutes, during which time nearly every single person in the vicinity in possession of a camera came rushing over to snap her photo [that’s Josh & Wei Wei on the right]. As is usually the case in such instances, almost immediately one of the photographers in the front began shouting that it was a private photo shoot and telling everyone else to stop taking pictures. Within moments, the model and main photographers quickly departed and everyone else continued on back in their respective directions, bringing with them a slight smile.

Sadly, I only managed to get one clear pic amidst the bedlam and the composition and lighting suck.

One thing I love about living in Tokyo is that you never know what you might come across during the course of any given day.

From today’s Mainichi Daily News:

School girl hit in head with hard object while walking home

KASUKABE, Saitama — A high school girl was hit in the head with a hard object by a man as she was walking home on Thursday night, police said.

The 15-year-old student was coming home from school alone in Kasukabe, Saitama Prefecture, when a man approached her from behind at about 8:35 p.m. and hit her in the head as she entered the compound of an apartment complex.

She suffered injuries that will require two weeks to heal.

“I was hit with a hard object,” officers quoted the girl as saying.

Wow, talk about lazy reporting. All that’s missing is:

Doctors who treated the girl reported that her injuries were consistent with being hit in the head with a hard object.

And possibly:

Police have announced that they will undertake a thorough search of the area in the vicinity of the attack for hard objects. They also stated that, if apprehended, the assailant would be charged with using a hard object to hit someone in the head.

Unfortunately, the Japanese version of the article isn’t much better, although it does mention that the man ran away after the attack.

Talk about a scoop!

Last Friday was Judy’s older brother’s birthday, and to celebrate, his girlfriend planned a surprise dinner for him and invited the two of us join in. The festivities took place at a restaurant called Tooth Tooth in Ebisu, a pretty nice place with an eclectic aesthetic, smooth ambiance and a French-inspired menu. However, the coolest thing, without a doubt, that the restaurant had to offer was what we discovered upon entering the party room in the back:

THERE IS NO NEED TO ADJUST YOUR MONITOR.
YOUR EYES ARE NOT DECEIVING YOU.

Yes, that’s right: The centerpiece of the party room at Tooth Tooth is a freakin’ life-size replica of an Imperial Stormtrooper (!).

Now, as one can imagine, as all of us in attendance that evening were in our mid-twenties to early thirties, the effect of being in the same room with such an awe-inspiring object was of pants-peeing proportions, especially amongst the males in the group (the women were predictably less impressed). Thus, it was only natural and, in fact, inevitable that following the consumption of numerous alcoholic beverages during the two-hour all-you-can-drink period, we would gravitate towards the figure, much like the Millennium Falcon caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star. Poses were made, photos were taken and a good time was had by all.

For about ten minutes. Then we got scolded by a waiter who told us that we’re not allowed to touch it. It was fun while it lasted, though.

I’ve been a bit busy lately and now that the weather is getting warmer I’ve been spending a lot of what little free time I have outdoors, so my apologies for the dearth of posts this month. Since it’s late and my brain doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with me at the moment, rather than write a proper new post, I thought I’d revisit and follow up on a few posts from the past. So, in no particular order or relevance, here are some updates:

Jesus & the Gosperats
Just as announced, Bubble Aota’s sacrilegious new single, Jesus, was released last Wednesday (a video of her performing the song can be found here). On that same day, the Gosperats — the Japanese soul group composed of members of the former 80s groups Gospellers and Rats&Star — also released their self-titled debut album. The group is perhaps best known for the unique appearance of its members, namely the fact that they perform in blackface.

Yes, despite it being 21st century, this kind of thing still flies in Japan with nary a whimper of protest. To capitalize on the clearly untapped market for ethnic tribute bands, I’m thinking of starting a rival group called Tojo’s Troubadours, which will feature five white guys in yellowface with eyes taped back who sing about ninjas, geishas and robots. Whaddya think??

“I’m soakin’ in your onsen of love~”

Take that, ya old bag!
Last week, the Nara District Court sentenced noisy whackjob Miyoko Kawahara to one year in prison for “inflicting injury” on her neighbor via a three-year barrage of nearly non-stop aural assault. I’d love to see this case result in legislation against the widespread noise pollution that plagues nearly every inch of Japan, but sadly I know that would never happen. For now I’ll just have to stick with my personal grass-roots effort of flashing my bits to every offender I encounter.

Ah, DS Lite, my evasive friend
The Nintendo DS Lite is still next to impossible to get in Tokyo. I’ve heard reports of electronics stores out in the boondocks with shelves full of the little buggers, but here in the city the only place where they can reliably be found is on the Yahoo! Japan Auctions site, where they’re still going for over ¥20,000 apiece. With Nintendo’s latest game releases (including a J/E dictionary with the ability to look up kanji by inputting them with the stylus), I’ve actually been considering getting a DS Lite, but due to the fact that I’m an unrepentant tightwad, I absolutely refuse to pay anything above the list price. Oh well, it’s not like I have time these days to play it anyway.

The return of Cool (Biz)
With the arrival of spring, retailers throughout Japan have put Warm Biz to rest and now light blue Cool Biz displays can be found in department stores and clothing shops everywhere. My company finally got around to fixing the broken air conditioning in our office last October, so hopefully I’ll be able to make it through this summer without ending each day in a puddle of my own perspiration.

Well, that’s it for now. . . time to hit the hay. Be sure to tune in next time for even more pointless, incoherent drivel!

I love how pretty much everything in Japan comes with helpful illustrations. Everywhere you go, there are pictures of cutesy characters warning you about various dangers in your midst, everything from closing elevator doors to molesters on the prowl.

Recently, I came across this fire prevention billboard for the Takanawa Fire Station:

I have no idea who the orange alien fella on the right is, but the message is clear:

Battered shrimp + Flame = Fried Shrimp or OMG the house done caught fire!! ?

Cigarette + Flame = Smoking or OMG the house done caught fire!! ?

Great stuff.

Once again, tonight after coming home from work I plopped my fat ass down and watched some TV. I ended up catching the end of a 3-hour special episode of London Hearts, which used to be one of my favorite programs on Japanese TV (meaning that it was one of a few that I could actually stand). These days, the show usually features a regular lineup of woman talents ranking each other based on certain criteria (e.g., ‘Most likely to have sex on a first date’, ‘Least likely to do housework’, etc.) and harshly insulting each other in the process, but tonight’s special was different. Cohost Tamura Atsushi set about to help one of the show’s regulars, former-gravure- idol-turned-short-lived-80s-pop-star Aota Noriko (pictured), achieve her dream of reviving her singing career.

To accomplish this, Tamura went to famed music producer Komuro Tetsuya and received an unproduced single from his back catalogue. He then went to one of Komuro’s most successful acts, pop/ dance group TRF, for help with choreographing. After nearly a month of voice training, dance lessons and intense exercise, Aota — performing under the stage name of Bubble Aota — gave a live concert before 2,500-strong audience, including Japanese impersonators of Madonna, Michael Jackson and Robert De Niro (Teru from comedy duo Doyo).

Sounds pretty uninteresting, right? Well, consider the title of the song: ‘Jesus‘. No, it isn’t a religious hymn praising the Lord and Savior of Christianity or whatever; it’s actually bumping dance track about seduction and the bearded fellow from Nazareth, with a nutty chorus of “I wanna kiss Jesus’ power & soul.”

And no, this isn’t a joke. The single — with album cover featuring Aota’s driver’s license photo, no less — will be released next Wednesday, April 19th. Praise Jesus!

UPDATE: A video of Bubble Aota’s live performance of Jesus at Makuhari Messe can be viewed here [AVI, 40MB] and on YouTube here. Enjoy!

Learning a new language can be an incredibly frustrating experience. You’re forced to suffer through tyrannical instructors, dispiritingly dull textbooks and an excessive focus on things like grammar and verb conjugation, while all you really want to do is go out and use your newly- acquired language skills to swear at people and pick up foreign chicks. If only there was a way to make learning a new language more interesting and, even more importantly, more entertaining.

Well, leave it to the Japanese to come up with the solution. Combining their renowned love of pornography with their reverence for education, some ingenious visionaries have created a way to make learning English fun by making it sexxxy. The result, a video entitled Mina-san no Daisuki na SEX wo Tsuujite Eigo wo Benkyo — roughly Studying English through SEX — not only teaches practical vocabulary that everyone can use, but also provides unintentionally hilarious skits to demonstrate the lesson material.

So what are you waiting for? Take a gander at the most effective English learning tool ever created, starting with Lesson 1: Sexy Words. Let’s Sexy English!!!

[AVI, 15.8MB]
This video can also be found on YouTube here.

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Note: While the video doesn’t contain any nudity, it probably wouldn’t be considered work-safe. Also, although the beginning is a little slow, be sure not to be miss the ending!

Tokyo is home to many highly exclusive restaurants. The kinds of places that put in place certain measures to keep the riff-raff out: exorbitant “seating charges,” guest lists, entrance through invitation only, that sort of thing

This place is apparently so exclusive that it’s only open for a single hour each day.

I wonder how they manage to stay in business.

I was walking in Ginza a few weeks ago, when I stumbled upon a curious sight:

Tables were set up along the sidewalk and a group was offering free stress tests to anyone who was interested. Perhaps unsurprisingly, interest was indeed high; a crowd had gathered around the tables and people were patiently awaiting their turn.

I suspected that something fishy was going on; there had to be an ulterior motive. And sure enough, there was:

It all became clear: The folks giving the tests were Scientologists and those stress testing machines were actually E-meters, the useless device favored by whackjobs for evaluating their level of whackjobbery.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. These days people don’t seem to shut up about how stressed out they are (yes, I realize the irony of me saying such a thing), and Japanese folks are particularly notorious for this. You can literally see them beaming with pride when they make categorical and oft-repeated statements such as “We Japanese are hardworkers,” “We Japanese are always busy,” “We Japanese have a strong, fighting warrior spirit, unlike you fat, lazy American scum who just love to sit around on your fat asses, being fat. Fatso!!”

In addition, Japanese people are generally quite trusting and tend to be a bit less cyincal and a bit more gullible than their Western counterparts. Combine these two factors and you’ve got a population ripe for the picking by con men and scam artists (religious or otherwise) looking to take advantage of the unsuspecting and make a quick buck.

Well, after getting several nasty looks by the Scientologists for taking photos of their racket selfless service to public, I continued on my way. I suppose an upside to being a cynical and apathetic bastard is that it’s relatively easy to avoid getting caught up in silly things like cults, schemes, politicking or even human relationships, for that matter. Yes, being lukewarm about nearly everything certainly has its advantages.

I’ve been working a lot of overtime recently, often being the last person to leave the office at night. As a result, I’ve been pretty brain-dead for the past two weeks or so, walking around in a daze and hardly taking any notice of my surroundings.

So you can imagine the little jolt I received this morning when I came into work and saw this hanging on the wall:

Yep, it’s the flag of the present-day Japanese Maritime Self-Defense Force, although it’s perhaps more widely recognized as the flag of the former Imperial Japanese Military and a symbol of Japanese nationalism. So what was it doing hanging up in my office? Well, it seems that today is the anniversary of the establishment of the Japanese Imperial Navy, and my slightly eccentric bucho (who, incidentally, is now my de facto boss) is apparently somewhat of an ardent nationalist and felt the need to celebrate.

I suppose the equivalent in America would be someone decorating his/her office with a Confederate flag, but I doubt that would fly in most workplaces today. Although nearly every visitor to our office gave a startled reaction when walking through the door, most of my coworkers just giggled uncomfortably and played it off as just another one of the bucho’s wacky antics (last autumn he adorned the intercom with several persimmons tied together with twine).

Perhaps the funniest moment of today came when one of the managers from the General Affairs Department upstairs, whom I had never heard speak a word of English, came down to our floor to make some copies, saw the flag, chuckled and then said to me in heavily-accented English, “Remember Pearl Harbor.”

The weather was pretty nice this weekend (considering it’s the middle of February) and so Saturday afternoon Judy and I decided to slide out from under the kotatsu and actually venture outside to take a walk around the neighborhood. Our neighborhood is pretty unexciting for the most part, but every once in a while we encounter something interesting, either as a source of wonder, a chuckle or what have you. Yesterday, it was this:

I love it when Japanese governmental organizations go through the trouble of creating English signs, pamphlets or other materials, conceivably for the benefit of foreign residents living here, without bothering to even double-check whether they make any sense. In this case “No Unauthorized Dumping” becomes “Don’t Waste Garbage.” Classic. They even put up a second sign with a phone number for inquiries, which I can only imagine people call up in order to ask about the meaning of the sign.

Saw this last night in the drug store down the street from my apartment:

It might be a little difficult to discern, but here’s the deal: On the top shelf, individual refill packages of Dove body wash are priced at ¥298 each; on the bottom shelf, special two-package sets are available at a price of ¥598 each — ¥2 more than the cost of purchasing two individual packages(!).

Apparently, in Japan, there are instances where buying in bulk is actually more expensive than buying items individually.

Shop in Japan and watch your savings grow!

In Japan, the knowledge of how to perform a bow in the proper form is absolutely essential for the inevitable and no doubt countless occasions in which Japanese people will be upset with you for a perceived slight ensuing from something you had previously thought to be completely innocuous, such as putting your hands in your pockets or asking what time it is without sufficiently polite inflection.

For that reason, the masters of cultural omniscience who brought us The Japanese Tradition: Sushi also created an insightful instructional video about dogeza, the act of bowing in supplication to ask forgiveness for wrongdoing (likewise handy for facilitating the release of gas from the bowels). Click below to view The Japanese Tradition: Dogeza.

[WMV, 4.92MB]

This piece isn’t to the same level of brilliance of the sushi one, but it’s funny enough. In lieu of subtitles, the video has an additional English audio track, however it’s not of very good quality and it fades in an out and at one point disappears completely. Regardless, I’d say it’s worth a watch for a chuckle and for the opportunity to obtain valuable insight that anyone with relations with Japan will undoubtedly have a need to utilize someday when forced to beg for forgiveness for blowing his or her nose one decibel too loudly.

J-Pop superstar Otsuka Ai released a new album earlier this week. Continuing the theme of her previous releases, Love Punch and Love Jam, the new album is said to be her most personal to date, providing fans with a definitive message of what the singer is truly all about.

Apparently it’s been generating a lot of buzz.

Wow, just when I thought Japan’s kawaii culture couldn’t get any weirder, Jon from Overoften discovered this:

Meet Colon-chan! As friendly playmate to Stomach-kun, the companions enjoy all sorts of wild gastrointestinal adventures together. Her favorite food is bran muffins, she enjoys long sits on the loo and on special occasions she likes to treat herself to a yummy chocolate enema!

We hope you to appreciate the tender friendship harmony of these chums for life!

With the wedding now just over a fortnight away, Judy and I have been scrambling to get everything ready in time. All of the main arrangements have been made, but there are still about a million loose ends to tie up before we hop on the plane in two weeks’ time.

With a “to do” list about 10 pages long, I haven’t had much time to even think about this site, much to my great regret. I’m hoping to put up a few more posts before we leave, but realistically, I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out. Anyway, I’ll do my best.

For today, I thought I’d put up another Smoking Manners sign that I discovered on the platform of Gotanda station a couple of weeks ago. It’s not as poetic or esoteric as the others, but this is one ad to which I wish more Japanese people would take notice.

Personally, I don’t understand the appeal of smoking whilst urinating and/or defecating, but it seems to be quite a common practice around these parts. Telltale cigarette burns can be found on the toilets/walls/floors of just about every public restroom, and many even have ashtrays or similar receptacles available for those wishing to have a puff while pinching one out.

The unpleasant result, of course, is that bathrooms commonly reek of stale cigarette smoke to the extent that one’s eyes burn and it becomes difficult to breathe. That said, however, I suppose one has to consider whether the cigarette smell might actually be somewhat more favorable to what would likely be there otherwise: the overwhelming stench of poo from all of the unsightly splatter surrounding the average squat toilet. But then again, perhaps if people focused more on doing their business instead of trying to get in a few more hits of nicotine, they might be able to get all of their “output” into the proper destination in the first place.

Japan’s cultural obsession with cute characters is known the whole world over. From popular icons like Hello Kitty and Gloomy Bear to lesser-known but equally ubiquitous corporate mascots, the general attitude seems to be: if you want people to look at something, stick a cutesy face on it.

During my recent visit to the hospital for some x-rays, I happened to spot of an example of this that really pushed the limits in terms of the kawaii-ification of something otherwise exceptionally mundane. Meet Stomach-kun:

Okay, I made the name up, but this is a real character found on an instructional poster for a barium x-ray exam (for those lucky bastards allowed to drink the stuff instead of having it forced up their nose). Now, I’ve seen lovable, doe-eyed characters in product instruction manuals, rubbish disposal guidelines and even insurance forms, but this is the first time I’ve witnessed this phenomenon extended to something so patently un-cute. But heck, who says internal organs don’t deserve to be adequately represented in kawaii culture? Now that I know how cute my digestive system can be, I feel much more inclined to take better care of it. I don’t want poor Stomach-kun to suffer!