Who doesn’t love Nakagawa Shoko? With her well-documented fondness for cosplay, anime, the internet and, of course, cats, Shokotan’s eccentric charm has captured the hearts of oily, overweight, bespectacled virgin fanboys everywhere.

And so what better vehicle for her to capitalize on her appeal among the geek demographic than an advertisement for a video game? Earlier this year, Japanese game development firm Banpresto released Super Robo Taisen W for the Nintendo DS and gave Shocotan the starring role in a pair of TV commercials, which are conveniently available for your viewing pleasure in a single video linked below:

[AVI, 2.2MB]
YouTube

Anyone else a little disappointed that she didn’t put the DS in her mouth?

To those looking for some hot cat-in-mouth action, I invite you to check out the clip of Shokotan appearing on the Pochitama program here [AVI, 17.8MB] or here [YouTube]. (I must warn you: it’s pretty dull until about the two-minute mark.)

Now, let the pussy-eating jokes begin. . .

Aah, the misheard song lyric; that humorous phenomenon that leads to poor saps misguidedly singing along to lines about locking the cash box and bathrooms on the right. Leave it to the Japanese, naturally, to take such an everyday source of mild amusement and turn it into entertainment gold: Soramimi Hour, a short segment on Asahi TV’s Friday night staple, Tamori Club, hosted by the honorary blind man himself, Tamori, and his “Soramimist” co-host, illustrator Anzai Hajime.

The formula of Soramimi Hour begins with viewers submitting examples of songs by non-Japanese artists with lyrics that sound like words or phrases in Japanese. Short music videos—often no more than mere seconds in length—depicting the “misheard” Japanese lyrics are created and viewed on air by the hosts, after which Tamori awards prizes for the entries based on his assessment of their quality (in ranking order, the possible prizes are a hand towel, ear pick, t-shirt or jacket). The result of this process is nothing short of outright hilarity.

Strangely enough, despite having lived in Japan for five years, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I first learned of this highly entertaining television gem. It wasn’t like I had a glamorous social life that kept me out and about until the wee hours every Friday night (8 o’clock at Gusto, anyone? Drink bar’s on me!); yet, somehow, to my utter shame, I managed to be completely out of the loop.

Fortunately, there are dozens of Soramimi Hour clips available for viewing on YouTube, so I encourage anyone who might possibly be as lame as I am to have never heard of it before to surf over there and search for ’soramimi’ and/or ‘空耳’ and get ready to laugh. Some Japanese ability would definitely be an asset, but for many of the videos, the visual images alone are enough to summon a guffaw or two.

For those so lazy that even searching YouTube is out of the question, I’ve linked below a sampling of clips that I happened to find particularly amusing (yes, my sense of humor resides firmly in the gutter). Enjoy!

One day in the advertising department of Japanese pharmaceutical company Hisamitsu:

Advertising Executive: “Have you come up with any ideas for advertising the new Salonpas easy stick-on transdermal patches?”
Indentured Underling: “Well, I gave it a lot of thought. . .”
AE: “And . . .”
IU: “And, yeah, I was thinking that we should do something that makes the patches seem exciting.”
AE: “That sounds good. What do you have in mind?”
IU: “Well, I was thinking of something like, ‘Let’s stick it on!’, you know, ‘Harou!’”
AE: “That’s a fantastic idea! Tell me more!”
IU: “Well, I was thinking about it and — isn’t it sort of funny how ‘harou’ kind of sounds like ‘hello’?”
AE: “Haha, you’re right! That is funny!”
IU: “Right, so I was thinking that we could work around that, you know? Hire a foreigner and—”
AE: “Wait just a minute! We can’t go around featuring foreigners in our commercials! We’re not selling cars here, you know! Our products are for Japanese people! Everyone knows that Japanese and foreigners are physiologically completely different! If we start showing foreigners using our products, the public is going to think that our products are made for foreigners and not for them! Our sales will plummet! My god, man, use your head!”
IU: “Sir, I’m terribly sorry! There is absolutely no excuse for my utter stupidity. Shall I go commit ritual suicide now for the great shame that I have brought upon myself and our beloved Hisamitsu?”
AE: “No, not yet. First, you must help finalize this idea for the commercial.”
IU: “Yes, sir.”
AE: “Let’s see. . . how about instead of a foreigner (*shakes head in disbelief*), we get a well-known Japanese talent and put him in a silly suit with a blond wig and a huge fake nose—”
IU: “Sir, that is an excellent idea!”
AE: “I know it is, that’s why I thought of it! Anyhow, he’ll come on screen, act all crazy and speak really weirdly accented Japanese and yell ‘Hello!’ a couple of times while introducing our easy stick-on Salonpas patches. Yes, that will do quite well.”
IU: “Sir, if I may say so, I am truly in awe of your brilliance.”
AE: “Thank you. However, rather than simply marveling at my astounding and, frankly, unparalleled genius, I would prefer that you also try using your own worthless puddle of a brain to think up some ideas of your own.”
IU: “I’m sorry, sir.”
AE: “‘I’m sorry’ is nothing but words! I want to see action! Go out there and make me the best gosh-darned ‘Harou!’ commercial the world has ever seen!”
IU: “Yes, sir! I will give every effort that my poor, feeble mind is capable of giving!”
AE: “Good. Oh, and on your way out, please call in my secretary. It’s time for her to earn her ‘weekly bonus,’ if you know what I mean. Heh heh.”
IU: “Yes, sir!”

Four months later. . .

Click image above to view the ad [MPG, 777KB]

Nakagawa Shoko loves cats. She really loves them.

Just how much does the 21-year-old ‘Akiba Idol’ love cats? Click below to find out.

(more…)

Yeah, yeah, you’ve read it all before — “Japanese TV commercials have sexy girls in bikinis in them, hyuck hyuck.” However, before I finally drop this topic for good, I’d like to present a poll on the matter. Well, not a true poll — unfortunately, I’m a bit too stupid to figure out how to get the poll plugin to display properly — so let’s just call it a question for you to ponder.

Instructions: Carefully review the following two examples of babes-in-bikinis-based advertising currently airing on Japanese television and answer the multiple choice question below.

Advertisement #1
Commercial for Marui department stores’ summer swimwear sale

Click image above to view [AVI, 6.1MB]

Advertisement #2
Commercial for part-time job placement agency Mobaito.com

Click image above to view [WMV, 6.6MB]

Don’t forget to use a #2 pencil!

Generally speaking, Japanese television doesn’t do much for me. Sure, there are a few programs that I find mildly entertaining, but one can only watch so many shows about cooking and/or eating food, silly trivia and mundane, formulaic dramas. However, the one merit that Japanese TV has over, say, American TV, is the possibility of encountering random, sheer draw-dropping absurdity while casually flipping through the channels.

A case in point is something I stumbled upon last Wednesday night: a contest on a comedy variety program called Haneru no Tobira (Hanetobi for short). Basically, the game involves five Japanese comedians in a kaiten-zushi (conveyor-belt sushi) restaurant in Roppongi, an area in Tokyo known for its high concentration of foreign residents. Why Roppongi? Well, according to most Japanese people, it’s a universally-known fact that the Japanese invented chopsticks and people of other nationalities are inherently incapable of mastering their proper usage (resulting in every non-Japanese person being asked “Can you use chopsticks?” at least once per conversation with every single Japanese person they ever meet). Thus, in order to achieve absolute authenticity, the contestants in the game each came costumed to represent members of different foreign nations. Let’s meet them!

THE AMERICAN

Tsukaji Muga as Tsukageorge

_

THE INDIAN

Itakura Toshiyuki as Itachai

_

THE CHINA GIRL

Abukawa Mihoko as Abuchan

_

THE RUSSIAN

Akiyama Ryuji as Akibachof

_

THE MEXICAN

Kajiwara Yuta as Kajikaras

Wow, there’s nothing quite like offensive racial caricatures to get things off to a good start, eh?

The game began with all of the contestants taking a seat along the counter in front of the sushi chef, played by fellow comedian Nishino Akihiro, and engaging in witty banter on the sole topic of their foreignness, complete with exaggerated body language and heavily-accented Japanese.

Once the sheer hilarity of the fact that they were dressed as foreigners had died down a little, the game got off to a start. Small plates of sushi and other food items (e.g., a whole raw squid, a slice of honeydew melon, etc.) were sent around on the conveyor belt one-by-one, and the object of the game was for each contestant to use chopsticks to scoop each item up off of the plate and into his/her mouth without dropping it before the plate passed them by.

The only catch that the contestants were required to use their chopsticks in — say it ain’t so! — the proper form (i.e., grasping the top chopstick like a pencil).

One by one, each contestant did their best to pick up each item and put it into their mouths without incident. Those who succeeded were rewarded with the succulent taste of the whichever delicacy they managed to grab.

Those who failed, however, were greeted by unpleasant visitors: two ripped Japanese guys looking to mete out some fierce punishment! (Look familiar?)

Yep, at this particular kaiten-zushi joint, customers who fail to pick up their food from the revolving conveyor belt must face some revolving of their own.

As you can see, inadequate chopstick-handling is not without its consequences.

By the end of the game, whichever contestant managed to escape being spun around at the hands of the Chopstick Etiquette Enforcers was declared the winner. In this particular episode, it was the Chinese girl. Go figure.

Now, while it’s easy to imagine non-Japanese people who happened to view this program getting all up in arms with indignation over the stereotpyical portrayal of foreigners (I know I did at first), one thing worth noting is that the program is actually making fun of Japanese people’s inability to use chopsticks properly. The ironic truth of the matter is that many Japanese themselves people don’t hold their chopsticks “correctly;” most simply continue to use whatever method they found easiest as a child without regard for the proper form. In fact, the topic of how people hold their chopsticks pops up in conversations with surprising regularity here (at least among some of the dull people I work with, who always seem to bring it up after “o-hashi jouzu“-ing me for the gazillionth time in the many years we’ve known each other).

There’s certainly no denying the fact that the Japanese comedians dressing up like ethnic caricatures is nothing short of an old-time minstrel show, but for what it’s worth, it’s not like similar things haven’t been shown on TV in the West. I suppose some issues to consider are the nature of the humor as well as how it is received by the intended audience.

Hanetobi airs Wednesdays at 7:57p.m. on Fuji TV.

It seems that I left out a prime example of babes-in-bikinis-based advertising in my earlier post on the matter. Just the other night on TV I caught an ad for Japanese skincare giant Kao’s Sofina Perfect UV brand sunscreen featuring South Korean model Youna prancing around on the beach wearing — you guessed it — a black sequinned bikini.

The ad has apparently been running since April, but I guess lately I’ve been slacking on my duty to seek out commercials on Japanese television featuring women in revealing outfits and write about them on the internet. For shame.

Based on the similar ads for Allie and Anessa sunscreens, can you guess how this one ends??

To see Youna in the Sofina Perfect UV ad, click here [AVI, 2.0MB] or here [YouTube].

I just had to mention some great videos currently making their way around many Japan-related websites, lest anyone miss out.

Apparently in 1992, just before the burst of the Japanese bubble era, Fuji TV created an innovative morning program combining light aerobic exercise and English conversation lessons, entited Zuiikin English.

The result was nothing less than sheer brilliance.

Rather than focusing on standard textbook phrases such as the infamous “This is a pen” line, which to this very day can still be frequently heard shouted out by drunken middle-aged salarymen towards unsuspecting foreigners, each episode of the program was centered around a specific theme or situation and offered relevant (albeit often somewhat bizarre) phrases that would supposedly come in handy in such instances. Each phrase was repeated by a trio of leotard-clad women, dubbed the Zuiikin Gals, who provided accompmanying body movements over a bouncy and irritatingly catchy electronic beat.

There are a number of wonderful Zuiikin English videos up on YouTube thanks to a generous soul by the name of SkillfulAbbot. Each video is undeniably priceless and provided me with lengthy fits of uncontrollable laughter (much to the chagrin of my wife, alas), but favorites were no doubt this one and this one.

Let’s Zuiikin English!

- - - - - - -

If you liked these videos, be sure to also check out Let’s Sexy English! for another wacky example of unconventional Japanese English education.

What happens when American King of Pop Michael Jackson pays a surprise visit to Japanese Pop superstar group SMAP on the set of their SMAP×SMAP TV program?

To watch 9 minutes and 52 seconds of astonishment, bewilderment and awkwardness, click the image below!

With the last of the cherry blossoms having long since fluttered down to the earth, bringing to a close the glorious hanami season and thus signifying the end of the symbolic representation of the transient beauty and ephemeral nature of life or some such nonsense, it appears that summer is well on its way to Japan.

At least that’s the impression I’m getting from the commercials on TV these days. That’s right, the summer advertisement season has begun. Generally speaking, Japanese summer-themed commercials usually tend to feature one or more of the following components: 1) the shrill drone of cicadas, 2) people frolicking on eye-pleasing, non-concrete-lined beaches, and 3) women in revealing two-piece bathing suits.

Please allow me to focus on the third item today (as if there was any doubt that I wouldn’t). Although TV ads featuring women in provocative outfits or poses tend to draw a lot of controversy in the States (”OMG, she’s, like, eating a hamburger in a bathing suit!!1“), in Japan, no one seems to bat an eye at such blatant displays of sexual imagery utilized in attempt to sell goods. In light of the imminent arrival of summer (once that pesky rainy season passes, that is), I thought I would share some babes-in-bikinis-based commercials currently airing on TV to those people not fortunate enough to have access to Japanese broadcast television and all it has to offer. Behold!

Anessa Sunscreen
Japanese cosmestic giant Shiseido’s recent commercial for Anessa sunscreen has been getting quite a bit of attention among geeks on the internet, both Japanese and foreign. The ad features popular CanCam model Ebihara Yuri (aka “Ebi-chan”) taking a shower, diving into a pool of water and basically just enjoying being wet while wearing a bikini, culminating in her removal of the top piece of said garment. I believe the intended message to women consumers is “be sure to put sunscreen on your baps” or something like that.

To see Ebihara Yuri in the Anessa ad, click here [WMV, 6.4MB] or here [YouTube].

Kirin Lemon Soft Drink
What better way to advertise Kirin’s lemon-flavored carbonated beverage than by showing Urban Agency model Brenda in a bikini splashing about under a stream of water. The quick cuts and gratuitous close-ups really help impress upon the consumer the refreshing flavor of the drink and the fact that it has 27% less sugar. I honestly can’t even begin to describe how thirsty it has made me.

To see Brenda in the Kirin Lemon ad, click here [WMV, 1.2MB] or here [YouTube].

Allie Sunscreen
Cosmetic maker Kanebo’s new commercial for their Allie sunscreen features current advertising It Girl, CanCam model Yamada Yu, enjoying an afternoon on a yacht and partaking in various activities, including going for a swim, toweling off and then applying the advertised product to her glistening body. Similar to the Anessa ad, it closes with Yamada sans her bikini top, indicating to me that this iconic image must surely help sell sunscreen to women. . . right?

To see Yamada Yu in the Allie ad, click here [WMV, 3.4MB] or here [YouTube].

Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Although not summer-themed, Yamada Yu is also currently starring in a TV spot for Canada Dry Ginger Ale, which I believe is at least worth an honorable mention. The ad features Yadama in a glittery gold gown (yikes!) from which the sequins begin to rapidly flutter away before her entire body suddenly explodes in a burst of bubbles. This one also made me thirsty.

To see Yamada Yu in the Allie ad, click here [WMV, 2.8MB] or here [YouTube].

So there you have it: further proof that the commercials are perhaps the most entertaining aspect of Japanese TV (at least to us ignoble lechers, anyhow). Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go buy a carbonated beverage to quench my thirst and some sunscreen for the missus.

- - - - - - -

UPDATE: More swimsuits for sales

I’ve been a bit busy lately and now that the weather is getting warmer I’ve been spending a lot of what little free time I have outdoors, so my apologies for the dearth of posts this month. Since it’s late and my brain doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with me at the moment, rather than write a proper new post, I thought I’d revisit and follow up on a few posts from the past. So, in no particular order or relevance, here are some updates:

Jesus & the Gosperats
Just as announced, Bubble Aota’s sacrilegious new single, Jesus, was released last Wednesday (a video of her performing the song can be found here). On that same day, the Gosperats — the Japanese soul group composed of members of the former 80s groups Gospellers and Rats&Star — also released their self-titled debut album. The group is perhaps best known for the unique appearance of its members, namely the fact that they perform in blackface.

Yes, despite it being 21st century, this kind of thing still flies in Japan with nary a whimper of protest. To capitalize on the clearly untapped market for ethnic tribute bands, I’m thinking of starting a rival group called Tojo’s Troubadours, which will feature five white guys in yellowface with eyes taped back who sing about ninjas, geishas and robots. Whaddya think??

“I’m soakin’ in your onsen of love~”

Take that, ya old bag!
Last week, the Nara District Court sentenced noisy whackjob Miyoko Kawahara to one year in prison for “inflicting injury” on her neighbor via a three-year barrage of nearly non-stop aural assault. I’d love to see this case result in legislation against the widespread noise pollution that plagues nearly every inch of Japan, but sadly I know that would never happen. For now I’ll just have to stick with my personal grass-roots effort of flashing my bits to every offender I encounter.

Ah, DS Lite, my evasive friend
The Nintendo DS Lite is still next to impossible to get in Tokyo. I’ve heard reports of electronics stores out in the boondocks with shelves full of the little buggers, but here in the city the only place where they can reliably be found is on the Yahoo! Japan Auctions site, where they’re still going for over ¥20,000 apiece. With Nintendo’s latest game releases (including a J/E dictionary with the ability to look up kanji by inputting them with the stylus), I’ve actually been considering getting a DS Lite, but due to the fact that I’m an unrepentant tightwad, I absolutely refuse to pay anything above the list price. Oh well, it’s not like I have time these days to play it anyway.

The return of Cool (Biz)
With the arrival of spring, retailers throughout Japan have put Warm Biz to rest and now light blue Cool Biz displays can be found in department stores and clothing shops everywhere. My company finally got around to fixing the broken air conditioning in our office last October, so hopefully I’ll be able to make it through this summer without ending each day in a puddle of my own perspiration.

Well, that’s it for now. . . time to hit the hay. Be sure to tune in next time for even more pointless, incoherent drivel!

Once again, tonight after coming home from work I plopped my fat ass down and watched some TV. I ended up catching the end of a 3-hour special episode of London Hearts, which used to be one of my favorite programs on Japanese TV (meaning that it was one of a few that I could actually stand). These days, the show usually features a regular lineup of woman talents ranking each other based on certain criteria (e.g., ‘Most likely to have sex on a first date’, ‘Least likely to do housework’, etc.) and harshly insulting each other in the process, but tonight’s special was different. Cohost Tamura Atsushi set about to help one of the show’s regulars, former-gravure- idol-turned-short-lived-80s-pop-star Aota Noriko (pictured), achieve her dream of reviving her singing career.

To accomplish this, Tamura went to famed music producer Komuro Tetsuya and received an unproduced single from his back catalogue. He then went to one of Komuro’s most successful acts, pop/ dance group TRF, for help with choreographing. After nearly a month of voice training, dance lessons and intense exercise, Aota — performing under the stage name of Bubble Aota — gave a live concert before 2,500-strong audience, including Japanese impersonators of Madonna, Michael Jackson and Robert De Niro (Teru from comedy duo Doyo).

Sounds pretty uninteresting, right? Well, consider the title of the song: ‘Jesus‘. No, it isn’t a religious hymn praising the Lord and Savior of Christianity or whatever; it’s actually bumping dance track about seduction and the bearded fellow from Nazareth, with a nutty chorus of “I wanna kiss Jesus’ power & soul.”

And no, this isn’t a joke. The single — with album cover featuring Aota’s driver’s license photo, no less — will be released next Wednesday, April 19th. Praise Jesus!

UPDATE: A video of Bubble Aota’s live performance of Jesus at Makuhari Messe can be viewed here [AVI, 40MB] and on YouTube here. Enjoy!

Last night when I got home from work, Judy was watching Zubari Iuwayo! (I’m Gonna Say It Straight!), a variety TV show featuring comedy duo Cream Stew (Ueda Shinya & Teppei Arita), pop singer Takizawa “Takky” Hideaki and author/fortune teller/evil wretched hag Hosoki Kazuko.

I don’t usually watch the show because it is literally impossible for me to sit through more than 10 seconds of “Hosoki-sensei”’s self-righteous claptrap before I am overcome by a violent urge to throttle her fat neck whilst simultaneously stabbing her in the face with some sort of pointy object. The program usually features celebrity guests who, after a brief introduction by the Cream Stew boys, are thrust before Hosoki to face her sanctimonious wrath, usually meandering rants involving an odd mix of piano- backed inspirational encouragement and fiery condemnations, most notably “You will go to hell!,” if guests dare question her advice.

However, on last night’s episode, the producers had invited into the studio 50 NEET (Not in Employment, Education or Training) youths — young adults who refuse to enter the workforce and instead live a life free from responsibility on their parents’ dime — to face off against the imperious crone herself in a confrontation that had explosive potential. Also in the studio were 50 shakai-jin (or ‘members of society’) — average job-holding, tax-paying folks — in order to discover the differences in mindsets between the two groups. Throughout the course of the show, questions were posed to both groups and the responses were tallied and discussed.

I jotted down a few of the questions and thought I would post them, as they are somewhat insightful into the state of Japanese society today. Here are few of them:

I actually laughed out loud when these results came on the screen. The shiftless layabouts who have been declared a bane of Japanese society are in fact much happier than the Average Taro, two-thirds of whom are apparently displeased with the state of their existence. Of course, Japanese people are indoctrinated from childhood to believe that life is suffering and that honor is derived from persevering through misery rather than trying to overcome it, so I suppose it’s not exactly a shocking revelation.

I was actually a bit surprised by this one. Maybe it’s because I come from a land of lazy, responsibility- shirking miscreants who aspire to become prosperous through as little effort as possible, but my first thought was “Who wouldn’t want to earn money through very little effort??” Although the majority of the shakai-sha sided with the NEETs on this one, it was interesting to note that almost a third of them actually preferred to make money through gruelling exertion and hard work. I suppose this is admirable in a way, but I can’t help but wonder whether baseless obligation to maintaining the image of “the hardworking Japanese” and clouded the honesty of those respondents.

As you can see, the responses here were nearly opposites from one another. While the working folks were primarily worried about job stress, the NEETs were mainly concerned about their poor diets (it’s a well-known fact that many of them subsist entirely on conbini bentos ). For me, the only interesting thing about this particular topic was that they introduced one of the NEET girls who secures most of her victuals by finding guys on the internet to take her out for free meals. Apparently there are websites out there for lonely men to meet impoverished women who willing to keep them company for the duration of a meal as long as they don’t have to pay for anything — on the condition, of course, that there will be no hanky-panky. I honestly don’t know what this world is coming to. . . (although I suppose it is a less deleterious form of prostitution).

Not surprisingly, both groups admitted to having experienced failure in their past. The shakai-jin once again related tales of disheartening hardship at work, while the first NEET girl they spoke to offered this pathetic account of her own experience of failure:

“I, like, tried to get a job at Don Quijote [a K-Mart-like discount store chain], but they told me that, like, I couldn’t work there with my dyed hair and facial piercings. . . I guess that’s kind of a failure, right?”

When the show neared its end, I was anticipating a typical Hosoki-style vehement harangue, but after only a few sharply-worded comments about how the NEETs are members of the human race and must have a spirit and a drive to do something with their lives, the soft piano music began playing and she embarked on an uplifting speech about how each and every one of them has positive qualities and talents and that they can make something of themselves — all they have to do is try.

Yes, I nearly vomited from watching that and was thoroughly disappointed by the lack of shouting and crying.

In the end, they did one last poll of the NEETs with the question “Will you go and look for a job tomorrow?” The results: 37 out of 50 said yes, revealing that they’re not necessarily inherently bad people, they’re just in need of guidance. It’s a shame, then, that not once was the topic of parents’ failure to instill any sense of values in their children addressed. Yep, in what some would argue is typical Japanese fashion, the problem was dealt with purely on the surface level, while the real, underlying issues — inadequate parenting, oppressive societal pressure, lack of support for social health issues, etc. — were conveniently ignored. Way to go!

Nintendo released the new DS Lite in Japan yesterday. Although they had originally planned to simultaneously release three different color variations, the company, citing “manufacturing problems,” later announced that only the Crystal White version would be available on March 2nd, and the Ice Blue and Enamel Navy versions would not be released until March 11th.

Upon the start of the business day Thursday, reports of stores selling out their entire stock of DS Lites began coming in almost immediately. People who had spent the early morning queuing outside of electronic stores were disappointedly turned away within minutes of the stores’ openings. Information later surfaced that Nintendo had only shipped out a limited number of units, and there were (anecdotal) stories that even the larger chain retailers had only received around 20-30 units each.

I stopped by Bic Camera in Shibuya during my lunch break yesterday to check out the scene and was surprised to see quite a number of people arriving with the intent of getting their hands on a sleek new DS, only to leave dejected and empty-handed. Fortunately, I was able to inspect the new model and play the demo display (which, for some odd reason, most people seemed not to notice). Here were my initial thoughts:

• It’s smaaaall — Nothing like the GameBoy Micro, of course, but a nice compact size wider but thinner than the Gameboy Advance. Perfect for an on-the-go hand-held gaming system.
• It’s sexxxy — Not only is it small, but it’s incredibly stylish as well. Sleek and simple.
• It’s bliiinding — The screen is almost shockingly bright. No need to squint while looking at this baby.
• It’s fuuun — Well, for someone who has never played an original DS, the dual screens and touch pad are exciting novelties with potential for new and varied game play.

Of course, there were also a few points about the DS Lite that I coundn’t help but find disappointing.

• It’s expeeensive — Well, not that expensive, but I’m a cheap bastard. With all stores sold out, units are going for upwards of ¥35,000 (US$300) on auction sites (I even saw a few go for ¥45,000 (!) last night), so it looks like I won’t be getting one any time soon.
• It, um. . . appears easily dirtieeed — I’m really anal when it comes to electronics and keeping them looking neat. The plastic on parts of the DS Lite (namely the L & R buttons and the hinge area) seem to be made of an easily-tarnished softer plastic material. The model units in the store, which had only been on the shelf for a few hours, were already quite grimy in the aforementioned areas after being molested by all the grubby hands of people like me.
• It might be a little bit toooo small — Although it fit my hands just fine, I would imagine that someone with larger mitts might find the buttons a tad small and too close together.
• It’s sold ouuut — This doesn’t have anything to do with product itself, but it’s disappointing that Nintendo has botched things up this badly. Although I’m not one to buy a product on the first day/week/month of its release, the timing and reliability of future shipments remains uncertain, which makes me concerned about whether I might actually be able to pick one of these things up in the next couple of months if I did actually decide to get one.

Okay, I admit that the above is a pretty half-assed list, but this is coming from a complete non-gamer who still hasn’t even beat the original Super Mario Bros. and likely never will. Although I might consider getting the DS Lite at some point (heck, even my wife has been showing interest in that darn DS Training game), as always, I’ll probably wait to hear reviews from the early adopters, cuz, well, that’s just how I roll. If I do decide to blow my hard-earned moolah on this particular bauble, with any luck I’ll hopefully be able to just stroll into any electronics store in a couple of months and pluck one off the shelf.

Unless, of course, Nintendo continues to screw things up. . . .

One night last week I took a different route from my office back to Shibuya station in order to pick a couple of things up from Bic Camera. (And yes, to anyone who might be curious: they’re completely sold out of Nintendo DS’s.)

As I crossed the street and approached the station to head home, I heard the sound of some very funky grooves in the vicinity and followed my tone-deaf ears to an area off to the side of the station building. There I came upon a trio composed of the following members: a drummer, a bassist and — rather surprisingly — a tap dancer. The bassist was playing a succession of different grooves, to which the drummer was providing a funky beat, to which the tap dancer was providing tap the accompaniment — all combining to create one of the coolest things I’ve ever witnessed.

Now, I normally wouldn’t associate tap dancing with “coolness” or anything even remotely funky, but the tap dancer tapping away that night was nothing less than amazing. Watching the trio perform made me wish longingly that I had been born with any discernible sense of rhythm, instead of the whatever-the-hell awkward whiteboy anti-rhythm that I’ve been cursed with, leaving me completely incapable of any sort of musical output or the ability to get down in a non-spastic manner.

After standing around watching for about ten minutes or so, I took out my camera and took a bit of video of the performance. Unfortunately, my memory card was nearly full with photos from Hawaii, so I only got about 20 seconds of it. Even more disappointing, the tap dancer was by that point clearly extremely exhausted (in fact, he stopped dancing and doubled over to catch his breath about five seconds after I stopped filming), so what I did manage to film barely manages to capture the awesomeness of his talent.

Anyhow, anyone interested in seeing the short video clip can find it here. [AVI, 5.34MB]

J-Pop superstar Otsuka Ai released a new album earlier this week. Continuing the theme of her previous releases, Love Punch and Love Jam, the new album is said to be her most personal to date, providing fans with a definitive message of what the singer is truly all about.

Apparently it’s been generating a lot of buzz.

Wow, just when I thought Japan’s kawaii culture couldn’t get any weirder, Jon from Overoften discovered this:

Meet Colon-chan! As friendly playmate to Stomach-kun, the companions enjoy all sorts of wild gastrointestinal adventures together. Her favorite food is bran muffins, she enjoys long sits on the loo and on special occasions she likes to treat herself to a yummy chocolate enema!

We hope you to appreciate the tender friendship harmony of these chums for life!

So there we were, Judy and I, last Friday night on our way home after having dinner with my second cousin and her husband from England who were in Tokyo for a single day on their way back from a trip to Australia. Transferring from the Hibiya line at Ebisu station, we walked up the escalator to the crowded Yamanote line platform, where who should we happen to see, but…

(more…)

Judy and I had a very “Japanese” weekend this past weekend. On Saturday, we took the 2.5- hour train ride up to Nikko to see some of the sights and take a bunch of crappy photos of the autumn foliage. Despite the fact that it was rather bone-chillingly cold to the extent that we had to plaster our bodies with heating pads in order to avoid losing limbs to frostbite, we had a pretty nice time up there.

On Sunday, we went to an enka performance in Shinjuku starring enka god Hosokawa Takashi. The first half consisted of a play of some sort, but I’ll be honest: I gave up trying to follow the archaic Japanese after about five minutes and spent the rest of the time fighting to stay awake. The second half was a solo concert by Hosokawa, which, to my complete surprise, I actually found kind of entertaining. That guy can do some wild stuff with his voice, let me tell you!

Judy was given the tickets for free and the person from whom she received them even arranged for us to meet Hosokawa after the show, which actually turned out to be far less awkward than I had expected. We had a brief introduction, posed for a photo and then he wished up happiness in our upcoming marriage and we said goodbye.

It’s been a while since I’ve put any new photos up, so I thought I’d post some of the aforementioned crappy photos from Nikko, even though they’re really nothing special. One of these days I’ve really got to take a photography class or something. Or just give up trying. Anyhow. . . .

Japan’s cultural obsession with cute characters is known the whole world over. From popular icons like Hello Kitty and Gloomy Bear to lesser-known but equally ubiquitous corporate mascots, the general attitude seems to be: if you want people to look at something, stick a cutesy face on it.

During my recent visit to the hospital for some x-rays, I happened to spot of an example of this that really pushed the limits in terms of the kawaii-ification of something otherwise exceptionally mundane. Meet Stomach-kun:

Okay, I made the name up, but this is a real character found on an instructional poster for a barium x-ray exam (for those lucky bastards allowed to drink the stuff instead of having it forced up their nose). Now, I’ve seen lovable, doe-eyed characters in product instruction manuals, rubbish disposal guidelines and even insurance forms, but this is the first time I’ve witnessed this phenomenon extended to something so patently un-cute. But heck, who says internal organs don’t deserve to be adequately represented in kawaii culture? Now that I know how cute my digestive system can be, I feel much more inclined to take better care of it. I don’t want poor Stomach-kun to suffer!

This past Saturday, Judy and I headed out to Chiba to check out the 2005 Tokyo Motor Show. I suppose it was just as was to be expected: insane crowds, girls in skimpy outfits, creepy men with fancy cameras taking photos of nothing but the aforementioned girls in skimpy outfits, insane crowds, and did I mention the insane crowds?

Oh, and I think there may have been some cars there or something, too.

Truth be told, it was a bit disappointing. The first time I went in 2001, I had been in Japan for two months and it was a really exciting event for me (just as pretty much everything else was at the time, including mundane things like going to the supermarket and discovering a porn vending machine). Now that I’m no longer that wet-behind-the-ears young lad with eyes filled with wonder and have since withered into the miserable, embittered bastard who posts on this site, enduring the typical tourism-in-Japan routine of pushing my way through a throng of thousands of Japanese people in order to get a quick look at something that isn’t all that great in first place has kind of lost its excitement.

I suppose that the most amusing moments of the Motor Show were had witnessing particularly brazen examples of creepy men reeking of desperation unabashedly snapping dozens upon dozens of photos whilst the subject of their attention, some vinyl-clad race queen, stood in awkward pose with an incredibly forced smile concealing her seething contempt for the pathetic, ill-smelling lechers crowding just inches around her. I swear, degenerates can get away with so much in this country.

I’m not going to bother posting any photos from the Motor Show since everything I took was crap (crappier than usual, that is). For anyone interested, photos of the cars can be found here and photos of the girls can be found here. Enjoy!

I have a goddamn confession to make.

Well, actually, I’ve already made it.

Son of a. . . .

Last night while sitting at home folding the laundry (yes, I lead an incredibly exciting life) I caught part of a program on TV featuring various talento competing to come up with the best excuses for getting out of sticky situations. The talents, grouped in teams of three, faced off against the quick wits of the host, punch-happy comedian Shimada Shinsuke, and all submitted answers were ranked in terms of believability by some sort of university professor “expert” with a bad haircut.

Now, seeing as uwaki (cheating) seems to be quite a popular activity in Japan, many of the situations dealt with husbands being questioned by their wives about some sort of suspicious behavior or discovery. Perhaps one of the best suggested responses came from Shimada himself concerning a situation involving a man who had been seeing another woman every Wednesday after work suddenly being asked by his wife why he had recently been coming home late on Wednesdays.

So, what’s the best thing to say to your wife to explain your unusual schedule as of late? Give her a wink and say, “Honey, you’ll find out on your birthday.”

Eeeevil.

Of course, after using that line you’ll have to go through the trouble of actually planning something special for her birthday, but at least you’ve warded off the discovery of your affair for the time being.

“The lipstick?… Uh, you’ll find out on your birthday?”

I was watching a bit of the London Hearts special on TV Asahi last night when I happened to catch a commercial advertising a new line-up of Chinese-style dishes at Mister Donut featuring none other than Lazer Ramon, aka Hard Gay.

Sadly, Hard Gay doesn’t actually appear in the commercial, nor, to my even greater disappointment, is there any thrusting of pelvises in the 15-second spot. The commercial merely features Hard Gay’s notorious “WOOO!!!” accompanying visuals of family members being literally “blown away” by the new menu.

It’s even lamer than it sounds.

However, anyone bored enough to actually want to watch it can simply click below.

[WMV, 595KB]

For the most part, Japanese network television is pretty darn unremarkable. If one were to flip through the channels at any time of day, one would likely find:

• A variety show featuring a roomful of mindless “talents” who are completely and utterly devoid of any actual talent whatsoever
• A cooking program
• A cooking program featuring a roomful of mindless talents who watch food being cooked and then sample it and loudly and repeatedly exclaim “OISHII!!!“
• Some kind of quiz show
• A quiz show featuring a roomful of mindless talents demonstrating just how mindless they truly are
• A sappy documentary about someone somewhere in the world who faces some sort of adversity (e.g., is looking for a job, is living in a brutal war zone, was born without legs, a combination thereof, etc.) and who Tries His/Her Best® to overcome the hardships of their situation
• A variety show featuring a roomful of mindless talents watching a sappy documentary and providing their horribly forced reactions to the hardships (tears) and the overcoming of the hardships (more tears) for the sake of the television viewers at home who have to be instructed how to react since they have neither souls nor a capacity for empathy

Once in a while, however, when you’re mindlessly browsing through the various offerings on each of the eleven channels available to you, something utterly insane and beyond comprehension to the mere non-Japanese mind will catch your eye and you’ll freeze, remote in hand, mouth agape, temporarily incapacitated with both shock and amusement in a profound moment of WTF.

A relatively recent example of this phenomenon is the outlandish TV persona of one Masaki Sumitami, otherwise known as “Razor Ramon HG.” Meet Hard Gay:

Known for his revealing black leather S&M outfit, incessant pelvis-thrusting and frequent exclamations of “WOOO!!!”, Hard Gay made a splash on the talent scene earlier this year and has quickly become the man of the moment on Japanese television. Despite his flamboyant personality and outrageous appearance reminiscent of the biker in the Village People, Hard Gay is not only not an actual homosexual, but his forays on television thus far have primarily been based on the wholesome concept of yonaoshi, or social improvement (although in recent appearances he has begun drifting into other territory involving his newfound celebrity). His TV segments usually feature him walking the streets and attempting to help out those he perceives as being in need whilst making jokes rich with pun and innuendo and thrusting his crotch with abandon, often to the horror and embarrassment of the subject(s) of his attention. While his antics may push the envelope at times, Hard Gay’s controversial moniker and appearance belie his good humor and affability.

There is absolutely no doubt that Hard Gay would never even make it onto television in the United States or any other nation of religious fanatics, however he’ right at home here in Japan, where most aspiring talents resort to adopting unique gimmicks — ridiculous outfits, silly catch phrases, stupid haircuts, etc. — in order to distinguish themselves from the competition. Hard Gay might be at the top now, but it’s debatable whether he will be able to stick around for long. While it’s undeniably difficult to resist imitating his pelvic thrusts and loud whoops (my exasperated fiancée can certainly attest to my own fondness for doing so way too often), basing one’s celebrity on a single gimmick can surely only last so long (can anyone say “GETS!“?).

For anyone interested in seeing Hard Gay in action , I’ve collected a number of clips from his appearances on the TBS program Daibakuten and they are linked below. Additional clips can be found on this Japanese site, however they take approximately forever to download. Alternatively, a torrent file of many of his clips (including the ones linked below) can be found here, courtesy of some guy who originally posted the link here. Enjoy!

	Hard Gay lending a hand to those in need [WMV, 5.50 MB]
	Hard Gay running a ramen shop (part 1) [WMV, 2.19 MB]
	Hard Gay running a ramen shop (part 2) [WMV, 1.56 MB]
	Hard Gay working at a gasoline stand [FLASH, 19.7 MB]
	Hard Gay drying a child’s tears [FLASH, 17.8 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 1) [FLASH, 35.2 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 2) [FLASH, 16.1 MB]
	Hard Gay cooking for kids (part 3) [FLASH, 21.2 MB]
	Hard Gay at Yahoo! Japan [MOV, 31.1 MB]

Let’s killing my bandwidth, WOOO!!!

South Korean actor Bae Yong Joon arrived in Tokyo yesterday, setting hearts aflutter and loins aflame amongst Japan’s middle-aged female population. Over six hundred people — mainly women well beyond child-rearing age — were present at Narita airport to catch a glimpse of the star, known affectionately as “Yon-sama” among Japanese fans, who is in town to promote his latest film April Snow.

Upon entering the airport arrival area, Bae, dressed in a spiffy and not-at-all-homosexual pink shirt, was confronted with the sight of hundreds of wrinkled, saggy-bodied women, most old enough to be his mother, screaming and jumping up and down like giddy teenagers.

Afterwards, airport employees no doubt spent several hours mopping up the vast lagoon of groin gravy left behind by the graying, sex-starved crowd.

Click the image below to see a news clip of Yon-sama’s absolutely thrilling arrival at Narita [WMV, 3.76MB]. It’s just like Beatlemania, except there’s only one guy with a moppy haircut and the women are all twice as old!

This past week, Nintendo announced the date of the upcoming release of their new portable gaming device, the GameBoy Micro. The release, slated for September 13th here in Japan [the 19th in the US and Nov. 4th in Europe], coincides with the 20th anniversary of the release of the original Super Mario Bros. for the Famicom in 1985. The Micro will feature a full-color backlit display with adjustable brightness level, a variety of exchangeable faceplaces, and will be housed in a compact metallic body smaller than the controller for the original Famicom/NES (!).

Please allow me to take this opportunity to make the following public announcement:

You see, not only do I share the limited mental capacity and obscene body odor with mankind’s closest relative, the chimpanzee, but I am also just as easily attracted to small shiny objects. Indeed, I am exactly the kind of hopeless sucker than Nintendo is marketing the Micro to: a guy who is simpleminded and superficial enough to want to buy an electronic device just because it’s sleek, oh-so sexy and can fit in his pocket. Never mind the fact that has exactly the same processor as the GameBoy Advance SP that came before it, or that the unprotected, likely scratch-susceptible 2-inch screen will surely make me go blind; my first thoughts upon seeing the new device were purely animalistic: “MUST BUY! MUST OWN! MUST RUB AGAINST GENITALS!”

Seeing as not only am I a parsimonious miser, but I also still haven’t come to a conclusion with regard to the PSP vs. DS debate from last year, I imagine that I will eventually be able to suppress my base impulses and overcome my present pathetic desire to purchase the Micro. Furthermore, I also have a perfectly good GBA SP that I received as a birthday present two years ago from my darling fiancée, who would surely be hurt were I to brazenly cast aside her kind and generous gift for something that is just barely a step up from its predecessor in terms of technology. Therefore, I firmly believe that it is highly unlikely that you will find me in roughly three weeks’ time standing in line with the rest of the “image-conscious” fools to be the first to purchase one of these things. That said, however, just looking at it makes my bathing suit area tingle, so I don’t think I’m ready to put money on that juuust yet.

Today while browsing through Tower Records in Shibuya, I happened to pick up a copy of Metropolis magazine. Metropolis is a local English-language weekly featuring passable content such as film and restaurant reviews, as well as a large classifieds section containing a mass of personal ads from sleazy foreign men seeking skanky Japanese women for “casual encounters,” lonely 30-something Japanese women searching for foreign partners in a last-ditch effort to avoid dying alone, and African men looking to meet Japanese women with big butts (I’m as perplexed as you are about that one).

The main feature of this week’s issue is a series of profiles of several young non-Japanese women who participate gothic lolita scene in Tokyo. The women’s bland responses to the markedly unprobing interview questions, which touched on topics such as their preferred reading material (Harry Potter is a favorite), the cost of their silly costumes striking ensembles (all over US$200) and their impressions of Tokyo, all substantiated the obvious truth that members of the goth crowd, despite their claims of being “unique” and their “like, so cooler than you” attitude, are just as vapid and image-conscious as everyone else (if not considerably more so).

However, what really caught my eye was a quote attributed to the 21-year-old Taiwanese- American lass pictured above (nicknamed “Tiny”), who had this to say about her opinion of Tokyo:

“I like the Tokyo night life, food and fashion but I hate the muggy pollution and I’ve seen too many male genitals in public.”

Hmm, it certainly makes one wonder how that young lady spends her free time. . . .

I caught the end of the music show Hey! Hey! Hey! last night, and one of the episode’s featured guests was the pop-rock group Orange Range. These guys have made a career out of ripping off chord progressions from countless other musicians who possess actual talent, slapping them together to loosely form what might be considered a song and then trying to pass it off as their own original work “with influences.” Their target audience — airheaded junior high school kids with an apparent proclivity for sniffing glue — is completely clueless about the source material and sadly couldn’t possibly even care, and thus, the barely pubescent boys of Orange Range continue to find success, rake in the dough and inspire the creaming of their underage fans’ panties.

Just to set the record straight before I incur the wrath of any Orange Range fans (as I did with that Otsuka Ai post last year) — I have absolutely nothing against Japanese musicians or the practice of sampling in general. The entire hip-hop genre wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the sampling of beats and breaks from earlier songs and incorporating them to create something new and fresh (I’m referring to old school hip hop here; the state of the current scene is pitiable). Whether or not Orange Range properly licenses the riffs they “borrow,” I don’t know, nor is that all that important to my point. I’m also not claiming superiority over naiveté and ignorance of the average Orange Range fan. I myself was young(er) and stupid(er) once; in fact, I clearly remember the first time I played the MC Hammer CD that I won for my performance of Young MC’s Bust a Move in a lip-synching contest. When my favorite tune at the time, U Can’t Touch This, came on, my music buff father commented, “Oh, that’s Rick James [bitch],” to which I rolled my eyes and idiotically replied, “No it isn’t, Dad, it’s MC Hammer” (feel free to laugh at me to your heart’s content, I certainly do).

However, as I see it, the sampling of riffs and breaks for the composition of a underlying beat used to complement something hip and innovative is completely different from the ganking of a variety of melodies or chords with only the last couple of notes in the progressions changed or the rhythms slightly altered, and then sticking them together with some moronic lyrics and calling it original. It’s a thin line, I’ll admit that, but one has to look at the significance of the new, original material that ideally should compose the majority of the work.

Now, before I make myself sound even more moronic and pretentious than I already do, I hereby enter into evidence a flash animation detailing several examples of Orange Range’s complete lack of creativity here. The text is in Japanese, but one will no doubt recognize several of the original riffs lifted from Western artists such as Queen, Bon Jovi and Kiss, Japanese artists such as Mr. Children and Spitz, and even Dr. Mario (!). In addition, here’s an article with further information about the band and their “mix of influences.”

Just so I don’t come off as a complete crotchety bastard, unlike the generic Boy Bands whose fifteen minutes I wish would hurry up and end already, the guys in Orange Range actually do play their own instruments, so despite their inherent wankertude, I have to at least give them some props for that. They also seem to be quite adept at plucking their eyebrows, too.

The other night I was watching TV for the first time in ages and happened to catch a pair of car ads that gave me a bit of a chuckle. Apparently, in February of this year, Nissan Motor Co., Japan’s third-largest automaker, launched a new ad campaign to promote the excellence and design of their model line and encourage people to visit their neighborhood showrooms to experience for themselves the fine quality and the feel of the materials used in each Nissan vehicle.

Staying true to the common practice by Japanese car companies of using English slogans in advertisements, Nissan created the following tagline for the new campaign:

(Wait for it. . .)

“Touch your NISSAN”

That’s right, seemingly innocuous yet potentially teetering on the edge of risqué (depending on how dirty one’s mind is), Nissan has provided the world with another Engrish gem. While it’s possible that no one at Nissan recognized the giggle-potential of their tagline, it certainly caused me to do a double-take, and I somewhat doubt that I was the only one.

Touch your NISSAN is actually strongly reminiscent of the Nintendo DS Touch! campaign that has been ongoing since October of last year. (Nintendo has recently taken the pun one step further with their new “My First Touch!” promotion featuring video clips of people’s first experiences playing the DS.) I, for one, would love to see the explosion of a trend featuring the use of double entendres in ad copy. Perhaps other automotive companies can follow suit with similar suggestive slogans of their own. Wouldn’t be great to flip through a magazine and see ads featuring lines like these?:

Feel your Mazda
Caress your Mercedes Benz
Squeeze your Suzuki
Pet your Volkswagen
Fondle your Honda
Stroke your Toyota
Rub your Mitsubishi
Palpate your Oldsmobile
Spank your Jaguar

Okay, I admit that those are incredibly lame, but I think the world definitely needs more of this. But, then again, I am the guy who was admonished by the teacher in my grade 12 Economics class for creating an ad for a fictional top-of-the-line luxury pen featuring a scantily-clad model above the tagline “I love a man with a big pen,” so perhaps it’s best that I not be listened to.

Last night, some of my officemates and I went out for an informal kangeikai (welcome party) for a guy who was transferred to work in our office in Tokyo. As our decision to go out was a bit last-minute, none of our usual haunts had room for our group, so we ended up going to a chain izakaya near Shibuya station called Kaasan. Kaasan means “Mother” in Japanese, and the chain markets itself as providing homely fare prepared with a motherly touch. Accordingly, the kitchen and wait staff are composed entirely of matronly middle-aged women who dote on customers with a maternal demeanor whilst supplying them with large quantities of alcohol and reminding them to finish their vegetables.

Since it was a Monday night, we all decided to limit our intake of alcoholic beverages, but achieved varying degrees of success. It’s actually a tad difficult to keep track of how much nihonshu you’re drinking when someone refills your cup after every sip. Nonetheless, we all made it to the station afterwards without anyone puking or passing out (which is quite an accomplishment in itself), and parted ways.

Upon returning to my apartment to find Judy sound asleep, I realized that I had to return a DVD to the video rental shop before midnight, and so I headed back out and managed to get the DVD into the hands of the cashier with about three minutes to spare. As I walked past the station on my way back to my apartment, I happened to pass by a guy who I’ve seen many times playing the saxophone and trumpet (albeit not at the same time) beneath the elevated train tracks. Feeling somewhat chatty after my numerous beers and countless glasses of sake, I greeted the guy asked him, “Do you play here often?” (which, in retrospect, does indeed sound like a cheesy pickup line, much to my dismay).

We chatted briefly about our respective backgrounds and time in Japan, and I learned that he was originally from New York and had spent the past 15 years in Tokyo. Unfortunately, within minutes the conversation quickly took a turn towards one-sidedness and the guy began to rant and rave about everything from the film industry to the American government to the lamentable prevalence of ignorance among the youth of today. He seemed like a rather intelligent guy, but he was definitely on a different level than most “normal” folk. I’m hesitant to just pass him off as some whackjob, but when people advocate the overthrow of the government and say paranoid things like “Don’t you see? They don’t want you to know what’s going on!”, it certainly makes one wonder about their mental stability. I barely managed to get a word in edgewise the entire time, but since I’m not the type to rudely interrupt others when they are speaking, I ended up standing there for over an hour listening to his tirade.

Since then, after having thought a bit more about some of the things that he was saying, and considering the depth of his knowledge and analysis of each issue he mentioned, I’ve come to realize just how intellectually inactive I’ve become in the last few years. I definitely felt more socially aware when I was in university (although I forwent the traditional scraggly facial hair, “Free Mumia” pin and other clich´s), but in the years since, while my knowledge and understanding of social issues and world events have increased considerably, I’ve found that my priorities have shifted a bit and I no longer focus as much energy on them.

Could this be due to disillusionment? To laziness? To having become complacent from living in a society regrettably known for its ignorance and shallowness? Perhaps it’s just from growing older and now being in a position where I’m relatively comfortable enough to enjoy the small pleasures in life, rather than dwell upon the inequalities and injustices in the world. Or maybe I’m just a bad person.

I suppose my biggest question is: Why do my coworkers insist on getting soused in the middle of the week? My head hurts.

- - - - - - -

My apologies for the particularly inane ramblings as of late. I promise I’ll be back to writing about boobies and eccentricities in Japanese society and whatever else shortly. In the meantime, why not take a peek at this video of J-Pop super-group and fodder for Japan’s legion of pedophiles, Morning Musume, squeal and squirm as they watch a clip from the Japanese film Ringu.

Apparently there are few pleasures in life comparable to that attained from scaring young girls.

It’s no secret that fads come and go in Japan as quickly as the little plates at a kaiten zushi joint [ha, how’s that for a bad simile?]. Something can be the the national obsession one minute and then completely forgotten the next, abandoned for some other bauble of empty stimulation providing fleeting entertainment to the masses who desperately seek an escape from the humdrumery of their vapid existence [sometimes I make up words, too!].

2004 will likely be remembered as the year when the “Kankoku Boom” rocked Japan. This sudden and overwhelming influx of all things Korean into Japanese popular culture — everything from movies to cuisine to hair styles — was precipitated by a phenomenon by the name of Fuyu no Sonata (Winter Sonata). Starring Bae Yong Joon and Choi Ji Woo, this serial television drama about an incestuous group of friends who play in the snow whilst declaring their love for one another quickly took Japan by storm, stealing the hearts and fancies of Japanese women and leaving Japanese men scratching their heads wondering what was so appealing about an effeminate Harry Potter lookalike with an ever-present vacuous smile.

The resulting mass hysteria was a Japanese marketing executive’s wet dream — a flurried frenzy of excessive consumerism, the likes of which had not been seen in Japan since footballer David Beckham had women licking toilet bowls in the wake of the 2002 World Cup. The Korea Boom is now all but over, but ironically, it did more to improve relations between Japan and South Korea in one year than had been achieved through diplomatic and economic means in the past 50 years.

Despite the fact that you couldn’t walk five feet in Japan during the past year without being exposed to Bae Yong Joon’s (or “Yon-sama,” as he was dubbed by the media) smiling mug, Judy had never expressed any interest in Winter Sonata nor any other aspects of the Korean fervor that had washed over the nation. However, last month, on a fateful visit to our local video store, Judy decided to see what all of the hype had been about and rented the first DVD of the series. In spite of my previous comments about TV dramas, in order to make an effort to partake in the interests of my wife-to-be, I committed to watching the series with her — in full (yes, I know what you’re thinking: BIG MISTAKE).

Like an inner city schoolboy after his first “free sample” from the neighborhood crack dealer, Judy quickly became hooked. Night after night was spent in front of the television, watching episode after episode of Korean actors wearing turtleneck sweaters and crying on cue. Of course, she wasn’t content with only watching the episodes dubbed in Japanese, she would also re-watch a number of select scenes in their original Korean, in order to savor the succulent voice of Yon-sama in all its glory (and also because Japanese dubbing is so craptastically bad, it makes me wonder whether I’m living in a country full of mentally deficient halfwits who need to rely on ridiculously exaggerated cartoon voices in order to tell the difference between men and women).

If any of you were wondering why I didn’t post very often during the month of February, now you know the reason. Yes, twenty episodes, each lasting over an hour, in the period of only a few weeks. Madness, I tell you, madness. Of course, the completion of the drama only fueled Judy’s obsession; she subsequently spent countless hours scouring the internet for pictures, articles, film clips and anything else she could find related to the drama. Thankfully, she seems to be coming back to reality little by little, however she recently started watching another drama starring Bae Yong Joon, entitled Hotelier. This time, however, I made the decision from the start not to watch it with her. That lesson has been sufficiently learned.

[Necessary disclaimer to prevent castration or other acts of vengeance at the hands of my fiancée, who probably won’t find the above amusing in any way whatsoever: Okay, honestly speaking, the drama wasn’t that bad, and I may have exaggerated Judy’s behavior just a little (althoughthatdoesn’tmeanthatanyoftheaboveisuntrue!).]

Despite nearly constant exposure to it, one aspect of Japanese popular culture that I have been unable to gain any appreciation for is J-pop. To say that I can’t stand the crap is a gross understatement; words simply cannot describe my extreme loathing of this genre of so-called “music.” In fact, the only thing that I could do to adequately express my feelings about this scourge on the earth would be to systematically smash in the faces of each and every talentless, squeaky J-pop “singer” on the planet.

However, the full brunt of my hatred of J-pop is reserved for one particularly annoying wench by the name of Otsuka Ai. Her whiny, nasally voice and her “Ooo~ watch me tilt my head and make a pouty face — aren’t I so cute?” poses inspire such a murderous rage inside of me that just the sight of her makes me soil myself.

Or maybe that’s an unrelated bowel problem — I can never be sure.

Anyway, on Monday night I was walking through Shibuya after work, and while stopped at a crosswalk I glanced up and saw a large billboard advertising a new Otsuka Ai album that was released a couple of weeks ago. Curiously entitled Love Jam, the album cover depicts Otsuka Ai’s face covered in what appears to be strawberry jam, evoking images of the fine Japanese tradition of the bukkake special.

Pure class. I’ve definitely got to give a pat on the back to whomever came up with the idea for that one.

Last night, instead of going to sleep at a relatively reasonable hour like I should have, I stayed up to see if anything interesting was on TV. Lo and behold, among the plethora of programs featuring celebrities eating and badly dubbed American infomercials, I discovered yet another example of WTF-to-the-MAXXX!

On Tuesday nights on TBS there’s a variety show called Dragon & Ball Hour starring the combined members of the comedy duos Drunk Dragon and Football Hour. I hadn’t seen it before, but it seemed to be pretty standard fare as far as Japanese comedy shows go — bad wigs, cross-dressing, corny jokes and a peculiar fondness for smacking people over the head — except for one segment.

Unfortunately, I only caught the last few minutes of it, but it basically seemed to go something like this: a group of 20 or so women were standing on a stage, and each comedian was given a chance to make a guess about some criteria the women might possess (for example, one comedian asked if any of the women owned garter belts). If there were any women among the group who met the criteria, they would remain standing while those who didn’t meet the criteria would sit down. The next comedian would then get a chance to make a guess about the remaining women standing. In the end, if one comedian narrowed the group down to one last woman, he would win a kiss.

. . . Or something like that. I apologize for the shoddy description, but I’m sure you get the idea.

Anyhow, in the last round, only two women remained standing. The comedians made their guesses, but one-by-one, they failed. Their fate: The Punishment Game. What, pray tell, is The Punishment Game? Please allow me to illustrate with the following images:

(Yes, I had my camera handy while watching TV. Yes, I know that’s pathetic.)

Here, Tsukaji Muga of Drunk Dragon (bottom left) makes his guess. [BTW, I have no idea why the woman on the right is wearing a crown and robe.] Unfortunately, I didn’t hear what Muga said (I had the volume turned down because Judy was in the next room sleeping), but whatever guess he ventured was FALSE!

The sound of the buzzer brought the arrival of. . .

Three ripped black guys in briefs!

What followed next was madness. The three guys proceeded to strip Muga of his clothes, spread his legs in the air and slap him around like a little bitch. Observe:

Um. . . yeah, that pretty much left me speechless.

I took a peek at my logs last night and noticed something disturbing interesting. Among the many recent search queries that have brought visitors to this site, several stand out for obvious reason, including the following:

• japanese babes
• chicken fight pool photos
• meeting kogal in tokyo
• japanese upskirts
• mazakon
• hideki matsui porno
• rorita
• upskirts of olsen twins
• water slide oops nipple
• guy with elephantine schlong

(Okay, I made that last one up)

Now, the list above either indicates that a) I am a pervert for having mentioned the above words in some combination or another, or b) that the internet is awash in licentious perverts who actively search out salacious material using the above words in specific combination.

Or perhaps, as you’re probably all thinking, it could be c) all of the above.

Well, after Tuesday’s über-serious post, I thought I would post something nice & tasteless in order to bring this site back down to the gutter where it most likely belongs. Furthermore, if this list above is any indication, it would apparently be to most readers’ liking.

Anyhow, we all have heard the hackneyed expression “sex sells.” Unfortunately, in the U.S. at least, there is an overabundance of domineering conservative “family value” groups who jump at any opportunity to launch an attack at corporations, advertising agencies, television stations, production companies, etc. who exhibit any kind of content that someone somewhere out in the world might possibly deem offensive.

Thankfully, Japan is not like that (not yet, anyhow). Although in recent years, there has been some “cleaning up” of magazines, late-night television programming and the like, this country remains as one of the few remaining bastions of politically incorrect cheap titillation.

A recent example is the new commercial for Kirea Water, which features model/actress Miyaji Mao. In the ad, she is shown rolling around in bed while “full nude” (as the Japanese say), tracing her fingers along various curves of her body, revealing a continuous line of the word tsumaranai under the caress of her fingertips. Upon reaching her navel, her fingers stop at the words “tsumaranai mizu deta“.

What the heck does that mean? Well, I — as a not-even-close-to-fluent speaker of the Japanese language (and a general simpleton to boot) — took tsumaranai to mean “boring,” as I commonly hear it used. In that case, the final line would mean (vaguely) “boring water is here.” Yeah, that didn’t make any sense to me either. A little research revealed that the ad’s usage of tsumaranai was in fact the negative form of the verb tsumaru, which means “to clog” (which would explain why it was written in katakana as opposed to hiragana). Thus, the meaning is actually roughly something like “water that does not clog you is here.”

To put it simply, this water helps you poo.

Anyway, the ad is certainly worth a look if you’re a lecherous perv (or simply don’t have anything better to do). Seeing as my girlfriend would probably murder me if I were to do so, it would probably be best if I didn’t comment on the attractiveness of the girl in the ad. . . but off the record, I’d hit that shit ’til I died of dehydration!

If you want to take a look at the commercial, go here and click on either of the top two buttons to watch the streaming video (the one of the left is 1.6MB and the right is 430KB).

Yesterday I mentioned the Japanese predilection for abbreviating words and phrases, especially those borrowed from other languages, and gave “sexual harassment” as an example.

Another example is mazakon, which is short for mazaa konpurekkusu (”mother complex”, i.e., Oedipus complex). The meaning of mazakon in Japan is somewhat twofold, however: in most instances, it’s used without the sexual connotations to describe a “mama’s boy”-type character, and less frequently, it’s used to describe someone who has a thing for older women (rorikon, — short for rorita konpurekkusu, i.e., Lolita complex — would be the opposite in this case).

I bring this up because last night I saw a commercial for a new drama starting tonight on Fuji TV called “Mother & Lover” starring Sakaguchi Kenji and Shinohara Ryoko. Yes, indeed the same pair that Judy and I saw in Ginza last month.

According to the official website, this incestuously-titled drama features a theatrical troupe member by the name of Shingo (Sakaguchi) who regards his mother as “the woman he loves most in the world.” However, one day he meets an office lady named Hitomi (Shinohara) who is running late for work, and he delivers her to her office in a rickshaw. Immediately taken with one another, they make a date for the following evening.

Surely, there will come a time when young Shingo must choose between his newfound love interest and mommy dearest — tune in to find out!

Blah, typical J-drama drivel. Just like every other drama in the history of the world, this one will be melodramatic, formulaic, cliché-ridden hokum, and the following events will undoubtedly occur:

• They will fall in love at first sight
• She will buy him a necktie or some other article of clothing
• Another woman [in this case, mommy] will come between them
• They will break up while standing in the rain (sans umbrellas)
• She will try to move on with her life, but at some point will collapse on the floor in tears
• She’ll have second thoughts and try to call him, but for some reason or another, he’ll miss the call
• She’ll decide to forget about him for good and will make plans to move to a different city
• He’ll realize that he made a mistake and will reject the other woman
• In the climax, he will run through the streets at night to try to catch up with her before she leaves to tell her that he loves her
• At first it’ll seem like she’s going to tell him to get lost, but then a smile will slowly emerge on her face
• They will embrace passionately
• The entire cast, production staff and audience will simultaneously burst into tears
• I will stab out my eyeballs and pray for death

Yay, I can hardly wait!

This week has seriously been The Week That Would Not End!

Last night I got home from work ridiculously late (as usual), and after eating dinner, I sat down in front of the TV to veg out a little before going to bed. Not surprisingly, there was another one of those bikini-clad-women-engaging-in physical-challenges shows on, but this one had a unique title that nearly made me forget for just a moment about my miserable existence. The name of the show?

Pooh!

Absolutely fecking brilliant, if you ask me. I wasn’t able to decipher why exactly the program was named after excrement (or the lovable bear who’s stuffed with fluff), but apparently last night’s program was the very last episode, so unfortunately it is likely that I will never know. It’s a shame I didn’t discover this wondrous show earlier, especially since according to the website, the theme on Monday nights is “girls.” How can you go wrong with that?

I guess I should watch late night television more often, eh? Who knows what I’m missing.

- - - - - - -

Anyway, here are some photos of the Tokyo Tower — Tokyo’s “famous” (in Japan only) reproduction of Eiffel Tower.

To follow up on last Friday’s post (and to drag this site even further into the gutter). . .

On Saturday night I was up late, flipping through the channels on TV, when I happened to stumble upon a program featuring the aforementioned “bikini-clad models competing in physical challenges.”

In the particular challenge that was being shown, an inflatable water slide had been placed in a swimming pool and women were racing up the slide in pairs to try to grab a small flag perched at the top. Sounds innocent enough, right? However — for a reason my inferior non-Japanese mind was unable to fathom — after obtaining the flag, both contestants then went on to affix a pair of giant pink nipples to their swimsuit tops.

Yes, you read that correctly. I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks.

Fortunately, I had my camera handy and was able to take a few photos. The quality is expectedly poor, but I’m sure someone will get a kick out of the sheer absurdity of it all.

The other night I was up late, flipping through the channels on TV when I saw that the 2004 K-1 World Grand Prix was on. Seeing as none of the other ten channels were showing anything even remotely interesting (late night Japanese TV sucks, too), I sat back and made myself comfortable.

Since I’m not really a big K-1 fan, I couldn’t help but find it funny how clichéd and caricature-like the fighters were. Among the contenders were the rotund former sumo wrestler, the Neanderthal-esque Eastern European, the stout Somoan, the muscled black heavyweight and even the lanky white pretty boy. Suddenly I was eight years old again, playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!.

Anyhow, after watching the competition, I came to the realization that on some primal level, very little ranks as high on the entertainment scale as watching two super-men beat the living shit out of each other.

On the topic of sculpted hardbodies, today’s photos are of the famous Kamakura Daibutsu (Great Buddha). Weighing in at close to 90 tons, this big bronze bad boy was originally constructed in 1252 and has withstood the tests of time (including a giant tsunami in 1495) to become the primary attraction in the historical city.

The other day I caught the beginning of a program about Harry Potter on TV. As is typical with most Japanese TV shows, there was a main host and alongside him the obligatory talento (TV personalities) — in this case, two women I had never seen before and none other than Guts Ishimatsu, the former boxer-turned-B-list actor and TV personality.

As Guts was the biggest star on the panel (a telling indicator of the crappy production budget), the host began the program by asking him what he knew about Harry Potter. It turned out that old Gutsy had never even heard of the character. Normally, this might lead one to wonder what the heck he is doing appearing on a TV show about Harry Potter, but this is Japan — “the place where logic need not apply” — and so it really wasn’t all that surprising. At that point, the chirpy woman sitting next to Guts chimed in to say that she absolutely loves Harry Potter, and that “Daniel-san is SO CUTE!!!11″ In another feeble attempt to draw attention to the “big star,” the host then asked Guts, “Guts-san, what do you think of Daniel-san?”, to which Guts replied simply “Ma, gaijin da na” (”Well, he’s a foreigner, you know”), prompting laugher all around.

Although I won’t go into depth about my thoughts on the word gaijin at this time, I’ll just say that it’s a discriminatory term and there’s really no need for it to be used when their are several other inoffensive alternatives. While some may argue that gaijin is simply an abbreviation of gaikokujin (foreign national), the true meaning is quite simply “outsider” and carries derogatory connotations. Despite this, many Japanese people continue to use the word freely despite knowing that many non-Japanese people find it offensive.

Anyway, what upset me about Guts’ comment wasn’t only that it was offensive, but that those sorts of comments are shockingly common on Japanese television and never draw any kind of controversy. Just imagine of Alex Rodriguez was asked what he thought of Hideki Matsui and responded with, “Well, he’s a Jap, you know.” There would be an enormous public outcry. In Japan, however, such comments are simply par for the course.

- - - - - - -

In lighter news, the new Harry Potter film comes out tomorrow and Judy and I have tickets to see it. I haven’t seen a movie on its opening day since Jurassic Park came out when I was in 8th grade. Of course, Judy was the one who really wanted to get tickets for tomorrow. She’s the Harry Potter fan, not me. She’ll try to deny it, of course, but don’t listen to her.