This past week, Nintendo announced the date of the upcoming release of their new portable gaming device, the GameBoy Micro. The release, slated for September 13th here in Japan [the 19th in the US and Nov. 4th in Europe], coincides with the 20th anniversary of the release of the original Super Mario Bros. for the Famicom in 1985. The Micro will feature a full-color backlit display with adjustable brightness level, a variety of exchangeable faceplaces, and will be housed in a compact metallic body smaller than the controller for the original Famicom/NES (!).

Please allow me to take this opportunity to make the following public announcement:

You see, not only do I share the limited mental capacity and obscene body odor with mankind’s closest relative, the chimpanzee, but I am also just as easily attracted to small shiny objects. Indeed, I am exactly the kind of hopeless sucker than Nintendo is marketing the Micro to: a guy who is simpleminded and superficial enough to want to buy an electronic device just because it’s sleek, oh-so sexy and can fit in his pocket. Never mind the fact that has exactly the same processor as the GameBoy Advance SP that came before it, or that the unprotected, likely scratch-susceptible 2-inch screen will surely make me go blind; my first thoughts upon seeing the new device were purely animalistic: “MUST BUY! MUST OWN! MUST RUB AGAINST GENITALS!”

Seeing as not only am I a parsimonious miser, but I also still haven’t come to a conclusion with regard to the PSP vs. DS debate from last year, I imagine that I will eventually be able to suppress my base impulses and overcome my present pathetic desire to purchase the Micro. Furthermore, I also have a perfectly good GBA SP that I received as a birthday present two years ago from my darling fiancée, who would surely be hurt were I to brazenly cast aside her kind and generous gift for something that is just barely a step up from its predecessor in terms of technology. Therefore, I firmly believe that it is highly unlikely that you will find me in roughly three weeks’ time standing in line with the rest of the “image-conscious” fools to be the first to purchase one of these things. That said, however, just looking at it makes my bathing suit area tingle, so I don’t think I’m ready to put money on that juuust yet.