I really don’t like cold weather.

Growing up in the San Francisco bay area, it never really got cold. There was “cool” and “chilly,” but never “I’ve lost-feeling-in-my-testicles” cold. Of course, when living outside of Boston during my university years, the weather certainly became “my-scrotum-is-an-empty-sack-because-my-
testicles-have-retreated-into-my-body-cavity-and-are-now-socializing-with-my-kidneys” bitingly cold, but there was frequently snowfall to accompany it, which made the temperature somewhat bearable because everything was white and purdy-like.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t snow sufficiently enough in Tokyo to stick on the ground, let alone allow me to temporarily ignore the fact that all of my appendages are atrophying due to frostbite. It’s actually not even that cold here anymore, but the overall dreariness combined with the lack of suitable insulation anywhere makes me utterly and inescapably miserable. Thus, during the winter season, each day is spent in a semi-catatonic state as my mind and body shut down all extraneous operations in order to conserve energy and cocoon myself from the bleakness of reality. I feel drowsy and distant all day long, and I can’t even remember what the sensation of “hot” feels like anymore.

Thankfully, February will soon come to a close and hopefully spring will make a timely arrival. In the meantime, I’ll just have to put up with the bitter cold and the oppressive melancholy and try to keep my spirit warm with copious amounts of booze.

Over the weekend I was looking at some photos from a warmer time and figured that I might post some for the sake of. . . well, for the sake of what, exactly, I don’t know, but for some reason or another. The photos were taken last spring at Shinjuku Gyoen, the park that Judy and I visited last November. However, in the spring I visited the park alone and, as such, was able to spend way too much time talking ridiculously awful photos of the scenery. Here you go:

Bicycles are a very common form of transportation in Japan. Teenagers use them as a primary means of transportation, housewives ride them to the market and back, and many salarymen ride them in between their homes and local train station as part of their daily commute. Despite their ubiquitous presence, however, most cities and towns in Japan do not have the necessary infrastructure to accommodate heavy bicycle traffic. Hardly any roads have bicycle lanes, and this forces cyclists to ride on the sidewalk, often resulting in collisions with pedestrians. There is also a noticeable lack of bicycle parking facilities, which leads to dense rows of illegally parked bicycles on sidewalks and roadsides that hinders pedestrian and even road traffic.

In response to the widespread problem of illegal bicycle parking, many local governments throughout the country have established anti-bicycle brigades, which carry out frequent raids around town to collect illegally parked and abandoned bicycles and haul them off to large storage facilities where they are held until their owners come to retrieve them.

Last Thursday I happened to witness one of these raids and snapped this photo:

I, myself, actually had my mamachari (granny bike) confiscated twice when I lived in Saitama. Both times I had to make the trip out to the pound and pay ¥1000 to get it back. But hey, the combined fines were cheaper than the ¥2500 that I would have had to pay per month for a spot at the only bicycle parking lot in the area — half-way between my apartment and the station.

When you’re a kid, every bit of information you hear on the schoolyard is considered unquestionable and undisputable fact. Way back when I was (slightly less) naive and impressionable, the things that I heard about from my friends and classmates about Japan never failed to awe me, such as: the women are all sex-crazed goddesses with a penchant for housework and the culinary arts; the men are all geniuses and don’t need to do any physical labor because they’ve created highly advanced robots to do it for them; and there is absolutely no crime because police officers are all bad-ass martial arts experts who lay down the law by dispensing justice indiscriminately and without mercy.

Now, while the first example turned out to be true (and how!), the same unfortunately cannot be said for the other two. While automation might be slightly more advanced here compared to the West, the mental superiority hypothesis quickly died the moment I first heard a Japanese person espouse the oddly ubiquitous assertion that Japan is the only country in the world that has four distinct seasons. As for the Japanese keisatsu (police force). . . well, let’s just say that they’re not quite the ruthless, uncompromising badasses that I had envisioned in my youth. In fact, in reality, Japanese police officers seem more adept at sitting in the koban (police box) sipping tea and occasionally giving directions than at fighting crime and catching bad guys.

Take, for example, an incident that occurred earlier this week when Tokyo police arrived at a scene in which vehicle had slammed into a building in the Daiba waterfront district. When the police approached the vehicle, the driver emerged brandishing a metal club, at which point the officers reacted like little girls and promptly ran away as fast as they could (!). The police finally managed to capture the assailant when he tried to flee in a police vehicle, the keys of which had been left in the ignition.

The incident caused quite a stir in the media after the prime minister himself commented that it was “embarrassing” and called for increased training for the national police. Of course, had the episode taken place in the US, the driver would have likely been shot the moment he charged in the officers’ direction.

Anyway, video of the incident is available here and is definitely worth a look for comic value.

Of course, this recent incident is only one in an endless series of embarrassing and criminal acts perpetrated by Japan’s finest. From drunkenly assaulting shop employees to taking photos up schoolgirls’ skirts to forcing women to touch their naughty bits, these men in blue have firmly secured their position as the laughingstock of the world’s police forces. Way to go, guys!

Tonight when I passed through Shibuya station on my way home, I looked up and noticed this new advertising gimmick by Levi’s Jeans:

Yes, those are real pairs of jeans hanging from the ceiling. This is kind of campaign is something that would never work in the US; within minutes, all of the pants would be gone and the homeless guys who sleep in the station would all be sporting new 501s.

I’d like to take a moment to digress from my usual asinine ramblings in order to make a little announcement. Visitors to this site who know me in real life are already aware of this, however for anyone else who, for whatever reason, might possibly care, here goes:

After being together for five and a half wonderful years, Judy and I have decided to get married!

While I truly regret the insufferable loss that the world’s single women will undoubtedly experience upon the realization that they will never have the good fortune of having me as their husband [ha], I couldn’t be more excited about the idea of spending the rest of my life together with a woman who intrigues and captivates me so, and whose kind-heartedness and compassion are an inspiration.

I can only wonder why she would want to throw her life away by marrying a schmuck like me.

I actually proposed to Judy six months ago while we were on holiday in Okinawa, but held off on mentioning anything here on this site until we had the chance to let all of our family and friends know first, as well as select a date. Thus, for the past six months, we’ve been trying to figure out the logistics for a wedding ceremony in which the bride’s family lives in one country, the groom’s family lives in another, and the bride and groom themselves live in yet a third. Needless to say, it’s been a bit complicated.

However, last week we confirmed the date and location: Tuesday, December 20th, 2005 on the Hawaiian island of Kaua’i. We’re planning on keeping the ceremony small and simple, but I’m sure it’ll be special. It’s really strange to think that we’re getting married, or even that we’ve reached the age at which one would even consider getting married, however it actually feels kind of natural (somewhat surprisingly). I guess when you find the right person, everything just sort of falls into place.

Well, that’s the news. . . we now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Japan is widely known as a land of somewhat “unique” sexual practices and perversions. From bukkake to severe bondage to wild costume fetishes, no matter how extreme or absurb a sexual feat you try to imagine, there are likely thousands of Japanese people engaging in said act at this very moment. Of course, Japan has not always been so sexually advanced; back in simpler times, relations between the sexes were far more innocent and generally quite akwkard. Whenever a young man and a woman would first get together to express their affection for one another in a physical manner, the activity would generally only progress as far as a handshake and pat on the back before the couple would break into a fit of giggles and give up.

In order to get young people acquainted with the physical characteristics of members of the opposite sex as well as the technicalities involved in intimate relations, the leading minds of the day came together to create the quintessential guide to the art of lovemaking. With pens and clipboards in hand, they spent countless hours examining reel after reel of nature films depicting reproductive practices in the animal kingdom (because observing actual humans would be obscene) and toiled night and day in order to compile detailed instructions for every aspect of sexual behavior, from courtship to copulation. Thus, the Wakai Hito no Seiten, or Sex Manual for Young People, was delivered unto the citizens of Japan with great fanfare.

Not only does the comprehensive guide cover the basics, including hand holding and breast fondling, it also details other more, er, unusual practices, such as grooming, test tube handling and ways to simulate intercourse with posable wooden manikins. A virtual treasure trove of valuable information all contained within the pages of a single book, colorfully decorated with a photograph of a woman proudly displaying her unshaven armpit.

Thankfully, unlike an old man’s ability to achieve an erection, this incredible document has not been lost to time. Thanks to Tokyo Damage Report, a wonderful selection of pages from this classic text are available for your viewing pleasure here. Enjoy!

Like the countless other bastardized generic Western traditions, at one point in time the Japanese adopted the holiday known as Valentine’s Day and made it their own. No longer is it a day for a man to spend ridiculous amounts of hard-earned money on flowers and chocolate for his special lady in hopes of getting some good lovin’ in return in order to express his heartfelt feelings — instead, the Japanese took it upon themselves to combine the made-up day of buying stupid crap in the name of love with the eternal playground favorite “opposite day” and created a day in which women give gifts to men.

Great idea, isn’t it? Women in western countries are spoiled silly — birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s Day — if you don’t spring for something nice on each occasion, there’s no guarantee your sweetheart won’t walk out the door and never return. Not once is the shoe ever on the other foot, so to speak, and we men receive unreciprocated gifts from the women in our lives. However, here in Japan, the 14th of February is a day especially for women to indulge men. From store-bought chocolate to home-made goodies, women throughout the country take the time to do something sweet for the ones dear to them.

And then there’s giri choco — combining the bitterness of obligation (giri) with the sweetness of fermented, roasted, and ground cacao seeds combined with a sweetening agent, giri choco is what Japanese women give to the men in their lives (friends, coworkers, etc.) out of nothing other than pure, unadulterated social obligation. Sure, it sounds silly and completely unnecessary, but then again, so are most social customs. Whether people like it or dislike it, all that matters is that they buy chocolate and make the chocolate barons even richer.

Of course, in Japan, obligation isn’t truly obligation unless it’s mutual and never-ending. Thus, the confectioners in Japan created a completely new holiday in order to keep up the indebtedness cycle, and White Day was born. Exactly one month after Valentine’s Day, men who were lucky enough to receive gifts on Valentine’s day (giri or otherwise) now have to give gifts in return, at often two or three times the value. In other words, White Day is a terrible, terrible holiday, and I’m lucky that no one likes me enough to give me giri choco in the first place.

Now excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep.

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Yesterday while browsing through the prepared food section of my local department store, I saw this and just had to get it. Behold, Valentine’s Day themed sushi:

Earlier this week, Tokyo police released figures indicating that the number of reported groping incidents on Tokyo trains has risen threefold over the past eight years. While it’s likely that the reported increase is mainly due to the simple fact that more women are filing complaints with police, there is no doubt that Tokyo’s chikan (gropers) still be gettin’ they grope on. In fact, a survey last year found that 64% of women in their 20s and 30s admitted to having been groped on trains, subways or at transit stations in Tokyo.

So what is being done to combat this problem? Well, in typical fashion, not very much. Several train companies have introduced “Women Only” carriages at peak times, namely late-night trains when people are returning home after drinking, however an unexpected side-effect of this is that any women not in the “Women Only” cars are seen by some deranged souls as willing targets for groping.

However, the fact that more women are reporting these incidents rather than suffering in silence is a positive sign that things just may be starting to change. Each year, more than 4000 men are arrested in Japan for groping on trains, and that number is rising. Furthermore, in a surprising break from the traditional Japanese societal norm of not interfering in the affairs of strangers, bystanders are increasingly stepping in to assist women who are being assaulted.

With all of the increased public attention and action against wandering hands, perhaps there may come a day when gropers will no longer be able to get away with fondling supple young bodies on their way to and from work. . . which means I’ll probably have to find a new way to pass the time during my commute.

No worries though, men who have a hard on for putting their hands on unreceptive women can always visit one of the countless imekura (image clubs) caterting to fancies of Japan’s chikan, where women stand around in rooms decorated like train carriages, just waiting to be groped unabashedly in the lewdest manner possible. Sure, it’s not the real thing, but at least the women give blow jobs afterwards.

Last week, I had to go up to my company’s main plant in Ibaraki for several days of meetings with visitors from an American firm. Although I probably shouldn’t admit this, the meetings were painfully dull and reminded me of just how overwhelmingly NOT cut out I am to be a businessman.

I had heard that a new intern named Jason had arrived last week from the States to work at my company’s head office, and so I organized a small, informal kangeikai (welcome party) after the final meeting in order to meet him and to hang out with some of my old coworkers I hadn’t seen in a while. Well, as typically happens, the four-person dinner quickly tripled in size, and once alcohol was thrown in the mix, madness ensued. However, rest be assured, it was good madness (like mud wrestling). Even better, since no managers were in attendance, not once did any of the several conversations taking place concurrently ever turn to the topic of work.

Unfortunately, being the only person who had to return to Tokyo that night, I had to duck out early and just managed to catch the last train back. But for everyone else, the party continued until late into the night. The next day brought hangovers to all (except me), and Jason, the guest of honor at the festivities the night before, called in sick.

Good times.

Here are a few photos from the welcome party, but please excuse the poor quality — my skills with a camera are even worse after I’ve had a bit to drink:

There was a humorous article on the Japan Today website yesterday about what Sanyo Electric is doing in response to financial losses suffered this year:

Sanyo asks employees to buy company products to cut losses

OSAKA — Sanyo Electric Co has asked all domestic group employees to buy Sanyo products of up to 2 million yen per person by the end of March to help reduce losses stemming mainly from damage caused by earthquakes that struck Niigata Prefecture last year, company sources said Saturday.

Division chiefs at the home appliance maker were asked to buy up to 500,000 yen and rank-and-file employees 200,000 yen, they said. If each Sanyo group employee satisfies the company’s target, the group will boost its sales by about 16 billion yen, they said.

For anyone not hip to the foreign exchange market, the amount that Sanyo is “asking” (read: forcing) each employee to spend is roughly US$2000 ($5000 for managers). I can only imagine what it must be like to be a member of the Sanyo group right now. . . big posters up in every office declaring “Let’s buying Sanyo goods!,” daily reminders announced every morning, a chart on the wall tracking which employee has shown the most “dedication to the company” by dropping the most cash. . . madness.

Sure, it sounds like an incredibly ridiculous business plan, but is it really that crazy? I suppose the question is: would you rather be laid off, or receive what is effectively a two-grand salary cut? At least this way everyone gets to keep their jobs AND gets a houseful of new appliances to boot. Plus, they might even be able to make a little cash back by selling off their old appliances to the local Hard Off.