Let’s minding our table manners!
Within the past few years, “global” has become a major buzzword in Japan and popular opinion seems to be that any Japanese firm that doesn’t declare itself to be a “global company” is behind the times and destined for failure. The company I work for, despite already having over 30 production facilities around the world, has recently joined in the globalization frenzy and has been doing all it can to “think globally,” as the cliche goes.
In typical Japanese form-over-substance fashion, the first step my company took was to add the word “Global” in front of every department name. Hence, the Marketing Department became the Global Marketing Department; the General Affairs Department, the Global General Affairs Department; and so on. This was considered a major step and was lauded within all echelons of the company. Apparently no one realized the utter pointlessness of it all.
The company’s latest endeavor in this globalization pissing contest has been the creation of a “bijinesu manaa” (”business manner”) database containing guidelines for proper business etiquette for interactions with non-Japanese companies. A few weeks ago, I was approached about helping to create a detailed guide to Western dining etiquette. You see, as the only non-Japanese person in my company, I am thought be an expert on all things foreign, and thus, despite being an ill-manner clod, I was consulted on every aspect of Western table manners.
After the guidelines were created, a few of the people in my office were assembled in the conference room to pose for photos demonstrating proper and improper table manners. The guide was posted on my company’s intranet site today and the photos are so laughably bad that I just had to share them. Here are some examples for your viewing pleasure:
[Note: In Japan, X (batsu) means incorrect and O (maru) means correct (like a checkmark in the West).]
It is important that you place your napkin properly on your lap.
This applies even if you are a robot.
When dining with a female colleague, it’s best
not to make a toast to “our future children.”
It is not necessary to do the “plane flying into
the hangar” thing with each bite of food.
If a disagreement arises, do not attempt to stab your companion
in the face with a fork. Instead, suppress the rage deep down
inside until you get home and can take it out on your wife.
While non-Japanese people may be barbarians, it
is not necessary to imitate their primitive ways.
Make sure to inspect each bite before you put it in your mouth.
It just might taste like ass.
When dining with a hunchback, be conscious of their physical
limitations and provide assistance when needed.
Chewing with your mouth open is very unattractive.
However, making creepy bedroom eyes is a sure-fire
way to ensure that you won’t be going home alone
at the end of the night.
